Next month analog television will come to an end and the era of digital television takes over. God, I really wish that didn’t make me so cranky.

For a little over a year I have been watching all the networks advertise the deadlines for the switch to digital television. The ads about the conversion have been on longer than that but they really upped their obnoxious factor in the last year. They have told me my good, old analog signal will go the way of the dodo bird and in its place I will have more channels, better sound, and a picture so good I’ll be able to see every pore on the faces of the news anchors. In theory, it seems like a veritable Xanadu, improved network television arriving in America just in time for a recession when millions of Americans are reassessing their home entertainment budgets.

And this would all be lovely. If it worked.

Call me cynical, but I have my doubts about how well this conversion will actually work. On the plus side, unlike the failed metric conversion the digital conversion is reliant on our deep affection for entertainment rather than our ability guess whether kilometers are more or less than a mile or what we should wear for 26 degrees centigrade. My concern is not that people won’t buy ridiculously expensive new televisions, subscribe to cable or satellite services that raise prices faster than a Vegas loan-shark, or that the rest of us poor slobs will be able to get our mitts on converter boxes. No, my concern is that digital television won’t get any better than it is now, ‘cuz so far the experience is not stacking up well with the hype.

Armed with a not-new television, a converter box, and a very intelligent person to help me, I am now receiving the much hyped digital television signal. It sucks.

Adjusting and setting the damn thing up is, apparently, just the first step. I have found that despite being in a prime location and being set up correctly, the digital signal is very finicky. The adjustment that gets me a clear picture during the day doesn’t always work at night. If the wind is blowing at all, forget it. Half the time I’m doing a cross between the wave and tai chi trying to unfreeze the screen when it glitches up.

Tonight I was watching the season finale of American Idol and it sounded like all the performers had a stutter because the channel was glitching out so badly. Oddly enough, that actually worked in Rod Stewart’s favor. His voice is not what it used to be. When I watch CSI I am constantly surprised at who they cuff at the end because with the way my crystal clear picture freezes and cuts out the vastly improved sound I miss half the plot.

But my frustrations with how digital television affect my viewing fall largely into the category of annoying. What scares me is how this signal, that cuts out when there is a slight breeze, will do during severe weather when I’m hoping the National Weather Service will tell me whether there is a large funnel cloud barreling toward me is going to redeposit me in Oz.

And it would be nice if my poor set up was the only one afflicted with a bad case of the glitches, but I have seen it happen even with new televisions. My dad spent roughly what it would cost to buy a kidney on the black market for a sleek-looking glitch factory. I made the dire mistake of walking into the room while he was watching it and it took him 15 minutes to get the picture back.

I’m all for progress and scientific advances in the cause of mindless entertainment, but this looks a lot more like a lateral move from where I’m sitting with my pixilated picture. Makes me want to click my heels together and say, “There’s no place like analog.”

Here’s another batch of morons that I can do without

The people that think Walgreen’s is a place to do major shopping. It’s not it’s a fucking conviance store/PHARMACY! It’s a place where sick people go to get prescriptions filled and maybe get some Gatorade. Why is that every time I’m sick I’m always stuck behind some bubble assesd woman who decided to buy 24 margarita glasses. And the cashier is some 90 year old lady that’s taking five minutes to wrap each one even though the fucking things are plastic. Then usually if I’m lucky the customer will pay with a card if not they’ll ask if they can pay with a check even though there at least two signs saying we don’t accept checks! People get your major shopping done at a major store, or at least a store that’s for dishes or whatever. Walgreen’s is a store to run in and grab a few items you forgot but mostly it’s where sick pissed off people go to get mounds of drugs to get them better.

People that pay with a check - Oh my god! do these people piss me off to no end! Do these people not know that checks take for fucking ever to write! For me personally they always screw the hell out of my balance sheet because I’ve waited damn near a month before the check cleared and was taken out of my account. Now paying bills with them is one thing. Personally I don’t know why anyone doesnt do bill pay but if you don’t have a computer. But going to a store and using them irks me to no end! Folks you have this thing called a CHECK CARD!!!!!!!! IT’S A LOT FASTER!!!!!!!!!! Then some of these morons will reply “Well I’m old fashioned and I like my checks” (These old-fashioned people can be like 22 at times)  I scream back “IT’S CALLED PROGRESS! WE USED TO GET AROUND WITH THE HOARSE AND CART BUT WE DON’T DO THAT ANYMORE!”

People that blame McDonald for their massive weight gain. We all know people like this hell might even have a friend like this. They’re overweight and know it’s getting harder for them to do things or the health problems are starting to come around. Do they take personnel responsibility for it and go to the gym or take a walk or hell just eat a fucking salad NO! They end up saying it’s not my fault I can’t fit into a elevator anymore or that I can’t fit into a airplane seat It’s McDonalds, Burger Kings or Wendy’s fault. they usually say this while stuffing a Big Mac in their faces. My question to them is did anyone put a gun to your head and force you to get the three cheeseburgers. NO! I think that they put their hands on the steering wheel, drove to the Golden Arches and ordered the three Big Macs Didn’t they.

There probably will be a part three to this but that’s all I can think of for the moment

                 OK so I have something that’s been bothering me for a few weeks now. It’s spring now, and the weather has been pretty good where I live. Lots of sunshine, warm temps. And every time I’ve been walking the dog, I see more and more of this, and it’s starting to piss me off. So, please, if you haven’t done so yet-

                Cut your fucking grass.

                As I walk the dog, I see more and more houses that don’t have lawns anymore. It’s more like they have small forests.  And while you’re at it, it’s also time to take down the fucking campaign signs. Either your guy lost-get over it-or your guy won-if so stop lording it over everyone else. I have a yellow Lab, and some of these yards he sniffs around, the grass is up to his belly. Half the damn time I can’t tell if he’s pooping, peeing, or just walking through. I’m a very conscientious dog owner. I always carry 2 poop bags with me, ‘cause you never know when he’ll double dip. But if you’re not gonna have the decency to cut your grass, then what’s my incentive to pick up dogshit?

                Now, I’ve never been on safari or anything, but the sounds I hear coming from these yards are not unlike what I imagine the Serengeti to sound like. I fully expect to see disembodied glowing eyes peering back from the bushes. Or snakes dangling from the trees.

Look, I know cutting the grass is a pain in the ass. I have to pick up dog poop- but always manage to miss a pile or 2-, dog toys, move the hammock, get rid of last weeks’ empties…yea, it sucks. But it’s gotta be done. I don’t live in a ritzy neighborhood by any stretch, but as I walk up and down the streets and see more and more yards unkempt, it really pisses me off. It would really fire me up if my neighbor cut his damn lawn once every full moon. Let’s ignore the health issues; tall, uncut grass is a haven for ticks, a breeding ground for mosquitoes and I am sure the media will inflate fears of swine flu somehow emanating from dandelions and crabgrass. It makes your house look like shit. It makes your neighbors look like shit. Hey, look I appreciate there isn’t a rotting Ford Fairlane carcass in your front lawn, but still, cut it once a week.

Really, some of these lawns are getting to the point where the grass is so tall, it can’t be cut; it needs a controlled burn. So please, start cutting your damn lawn. Maybe your neighbors won’t tell you, but I will.

Yep, and if you believe that, you probably still leave milk and cookies out for Santa Clause every year too. Whoever the fuck came out with this saying must have been a fucking masochist because all telling the truth does is gets you in MORE trouble.

“Why yes Officer, I was aware that I was speeding through that school zone. I was paying more attention to where the fuck that joint I dropped went than I was to the speed limit.” and the fucker will have you out of the car, face down on the pavement shining his jack boots up on the back of your skull. You react with complete astonishment and go, “Oh My God, the accelerator stuck and I couldn’t get the thing into neutral before it took off like it had been fired out of a Howitzer.” He gives you that look like he knows you’re full of shit and says that he’ll cut you a break and only write the ticket for doing 75 in a 35 zone. “Consider yourself lucky, because in this state anything thirty miles over the posted limit is an arrest able offense and those always come with a heaping helping of nightstick and Taser surprise.

Cops just love to tell the stories that the offender comes out with while they are throwing down a shitload of Budweiser and Jim Beam after work. Who really wants to hear about the guy that confessed to running a stop sign and speeding through the neighborhood when the one about the guy that was getting road head and swerved out in front the cruiser is much more colorful?

They say that honesty is what makes a relationship work also. I have to tell you that is complete bullshit. Only a woman would say for you to be honest, because then she will have shit to bring up in every fight you ever have from here to eternity. Fidelity makes a relationship work. Honesty goes right the fuck out the window when your woman asks, “Does this make me look fat?” If you say anything but, “I don’t think the weatherman said anything about rain at all today, Honey.” You are about to get your fucking ears torn apart from the inside out. LIE now. Lie your fucking ass off. Tell her how she could wear a fucking potato sack and look like the sexiest woman on the planet. You will either do this without hesitation or be doomed to a life of pure unadulterated Hell from which the only redemption is to buy her a Sports Car. Even then she’ll ask you why you took a chance that her big, giant, behemoth, ass would fit in such a teeny, tiny little eighty thousand dollar car.

Men and women lie about different things to each other. Men go out to the strip club so they can treat the hotties there like a piece of meat and then come home and tell their lady, “No really, I was out having a couple of cold ones with the Boys.” He really was out with the boys, but they were in different parts of the club with different women taking their money, so technically that really wasn’t as much of a lie as it was an omission of unneeded information.

When women lie it is something more along the lines of “It’s your Baby!”

Why is it that when I go to well any public place I’m just assaulted by groups of people that piss me off. Here are a few

The New Age Family - These wonderful groups of people are the people that have to make sure that everything they buy is a reflection of their family’s values and all I want to do is scream in their face “IT’S A PACK OF FUCKING OREOS! IT DOESN’T SAY SHIT ABOUT YOU! MAYBE THAT YOU LIKE COOKIES!” Or at the very least not hold the family meeting in the middle of the aisle so that I can get by please.

The Ultra Religious Family - I’m fine with these people’s beliefs, I just don’t care. The only thing that I ask of them is to 1 not hand me a pamphlet for any reason. 2 Would they please refrain from singing “Jesus loves me” while they’re shopping for tube socks, it’s creepy.

People that stand there and look at simple basic things for 20 minutes. I’ll give you an example the dorky guy that looks at something like Peanut Butter or Eggs for 20 minutes. Don’t you just want to run up to them and scream “It’s peanut butter it all tastes the same! Buy the one you bought last week or buy the one on sale!” That’s how I make my decision when I buy beer. either Budweiser, Michelob or Coors will be on sale. Guess which one I pick.

The Family that all dresses the same. You’ve seen these people I’m sure. Usually they’re on their way to a family reunion or some event and they stop for let’s say Noodle Salad. While their standing in line i want to walk over and say you know you guys look like four jackasses with you “Miller Family Reunion 09″ t-shirts and the 8 pounds of noodle salad from a grocery store. Why couldn’t you just put the shirts on when you got there. You know put them over your normal everyday t-shirt save yourslef a little humliation.

I think there’s going to be a part two

That’s all for now

Warcorpse

Yes, my friends there IS religion out there! The Trees are Deities with Names. The Snail Darters and the Spotted Owl  are Saints. The faith is Global Warming and Save the Rain Forests. Yes My Brothers and Sisters, there is religion out there!

The Great Priests of this religion are the scientists that sign their name to the global warming doctrine. Do not mind the fact that the majority of climatoligists say that these fluctuations in climate are do to naturally occurring phenomenons and cyclical changes in the activity of the sun… etc. NO! do not listen to the blasphemers!

Do not listen to the fact that the earth has cooled since 2001, the cooling is only proof that the earth becoming warmer. What? This is not logical? Forget the logic! You must have FAITH my brethren!

Man is destroying the climate with greenhouse gasses. This we know. We know this because Humans have increased the the greenhouse gas levels by a whopping .009%! Where did this information come from? Well from the Bishop Al Gore of course.

There is religion out there. I jut hope I do not fart. Thus creating more greenhouse gases and probably going to Green Hell (where I am talked to by Barbra Streisand, and Michael Moore tries to slip me the tongue).

You know I can’t believe how lazy most people have gotten. What’s even more amazing is the fact that they can come up with thousands of excuses as to justify spending more time on the couch! Even the people that supossedly have “healthy lifestyles” are still lazy as hell. On that note how in the hell can you have a healthy lifestyle and eat everything OUT OF A BOX!

People that say that they don’t have time to cook are well just full of it! They are everyone has time to cook, they don’t because they want to be lazy. Hey that’s fine with me just admit it and we can move on. That’ll never happen because these people are nothing if not masters of excuses. At work one time I got a person I work with to a lovely shade of vermilion just by calmly proving and re-proving to her every time that yes she did in fact have time to cook.

I’ll prove it here to! Let’s take a average American family Husband Wife and let’s say three kids. The kids are Billy 12, Jamie 10 and Kerry 7 just for the sake of argument oh and both of the parents work. Let’s also say that each of the three kids are involved with three extracurricular activities each. Because the parents have that annoying trend of making sure that their kids experience everything. Even though the child has never once expressed ANY interest in any of the activities.

Now through the week I’ll stipulate that yes there really isn’t enough time to cook breakfast. Fourtunatly Cheerios are pretty healthy. On the weekends however you should always have time for a real breakfast.

So let’s say that the dad starts work at seven in the morning and works till three so he can be home when the kids get home Mom on the other hand works from 9 to 6. So the kids trottle off to school and the school day ends. However Billy has little league right after school and the other two come home on the bus. At 4 Jamie has dance class and at 4:30 Kerry has karate. Then Dad has to rush over to the school and get Billy so he can be at Piano class at 5:00. Then it’s back to pick up Jamie and Kerry and take both of them to pottery class. Mom picks up Billy and Dad gets high on terracotta fumes. The family is back with each other at I’ll say 6:30. Pretty busy day right. Now one of them we’ll either open up a box for dinner or stop at KFC or Boston Market or at worst Burger King. When asked why didn’t they cook they’ll say we didn’t have time. By the schedule you’d think they were right well their not!

There’s at least two to three opportunities to cook something far healthier than out of a box. First off the morning Mom could get up and put something like a roast or a chicken in a slow cooker for the day and it’d be ready by the time you got home. Don’t worry a slow cooker is designed to be left on even when your not there. Another great thing to make is Slow-Cooker Chili. Then with just a few vegetables that would take about 10 minutes they’d have dinner at 6:40 OR when they all get back do something that every family should do and that’s make dinner together. Billy Jamie and Kerry can each do a job in the kitchen. If you do that most meals can be done in 30 minutes. And their eating a fresh healthy meal at seven. 2 hours to digest and its off to bed at nine. My how hard was that.

If you want go check out www.warcorpse666.blogspot.com for my growing list of recipes

I’m not sure how many of you know but a few days ago Rebecca Sue Taylor tried to sell her infant son for 10 grand to Leigh Burr. She apparently needed the money for a new apartment. Now Burr had contacted Taylor about becoming a surrogate for her. Instead of that Taylor decided that she needed the money today and offered to sell her baby for 10 grand. Later Rebecca lowered the price for her son to 5 grand. My what a devoted mother.

Now if what I just wrote wasn’t bad enough do you know what the penalty is for doing something like this. A 100 to 2500 dollar fine and or 1 to 5 years in prison. THAT’S IT! For trying to sell her own infant son the maximum this woman could face is 2500 dollars and maybe 5 years but I’m sure she’ll get parole in a fraction of that time. Doesnt something just seem wrong with this. I don’t know maybe it’s just me.

Well is it any wonder that Americans are in the situation we’re in! I’m not at all surprised that every thing’s going down hill. Why because for the most part the average American just does whatever the media tells them to! If the news at six says be afraid of this and then the paper the next day backs it up well then guess what 200 million Americans are now terrified of something that only yesterday posed no threat.

Now let me stop for a moment and say that I love this country and I wouldn’t want to live anywhere else and I wouldn’t want to live at any other time either. This is where and when I want to be. That said there is serious problems with the critical thinking in this country I see it all over. Like take the peanut and pistachio scare that happened. Only one or two plants were contaminated with salmonella. The next morning after the almighty box told us to be afraid every American went out and burned every peanut every where. None of them bothered to check that it was less than 10% of the total supply. The same thing happened with the pistachios only this time the terror inspiration that you read with your OJ got that tid bit first. Once again less than 10% of the total supply but  again everyone believed the paper’s gospel and you couldn’t get a pistachio for a month.

Now I’m not attacking the nightly news and I watch it myself and I read the paper everyday. They’re great ways to get info. HOWEVER! they report the facts as they have them or what they can deduce at the time. When you read the paper or watch the news listen for the key phrases We’ll stay with this or more details will follow. I believe the peanut thing ended with We’ll have more as the FDA releases it but only a very small portion is affected. Did anyone hear that or read that and go online for a few more facts that were available. Hell no they didn’t because that would require a little bit of thought on their part. No one questioned what the media told them or even to see if something else had been released about it. They panicked until about six the next night.

That I think is the biggest problem NO one questions what they read or see anymore. If it’s reported by the AP or our local 5 news or if it’s told by a teacher, parent or hell a celebrity it must instantly be true! This isn’t really a surprising result because that’s the way that parents and SCHOOLS! teach children from the earliest stages. If you’re told that everything is fine then everything must be fine. No one’s ever taught to question anything. Then  there are teacher (I’ve had them) that would get pissed with a student if they dared challenge their omnipotent knowledge. I thought that teachers were supposed to challenge students.

Another big problem is people don’t read enough any more and it’s not really any one’s fault again. Because in school reading isn’t taught as a joy it’s taught as a chore and the materiel is the pre-determined master works. I’m sorry Dickens may be considered a master by some but The Tale of Two Cites and The Pipwick Papers SUCKED! It’s the same with any thing wrote by Amy Tan. So for most people reading unfortunately develops into this hated chore that after collage they never do again. So one one bothers to read ALL the evidence and instead goes with a thirty second sound bite.

In the end America wake up learn all the facts on something before you hit the panic button. One last thing generally I’ve found that most of the time when the people on TV tell you that it’s going OK that’s about the time that everything goes to hell.

The citizens of the United States are in trouble, more trouble than we’ve seen in two hundred years. We the people of the United States of America are being burdened with a budget deficit unseen in our short history without being asked if that is our wishes. If I’d been asked, I would have said no. We’ve seen our homes foreclosed on; thousands of workers lose their jobs, bank accounts depleted, bills going unpaid and dozens more taking the lives of their families.

We elected our first African-American President on his campaign promises of relief, better living conditions and a return to a prosperous America. Those campaign promises were broken within the first one hundred days of Barrack Obama taking office. We’ve seen him plea with Congress to pass his financial aid package, giving banks and financial institutions billions of dollars but none for the people of the United States. We’ve seen billions of our dollars go toward bonuses of the very people who drove their companies toward bankruptcy. Supposedly, we were lead to believe, that billions of dollars would go toward helping the American people. We’ve seen it go into CEO’s pockets instead.

As I write this, my own personal thoughts on the situation in this land, I am bombarded with calls from my creditors, the same creditors so eager to issue me a credit card or extend credit. The same creditors, a large bank who have received billions of dollars in bailout money (and that is what it is) while raising fees beyond a reasonable amount. At the time, a credit card for emergencies seemed like a good idea, I could afford the small payments or to pay off the entire amount. But then the economy went into the toilet, not because of anything I did but because of the greed of the large corporations.

It was not I who accepted loans from people who couldn’t afford them, I did not overestimate the company’s worth, I didn’t receive millions of dollars in bonuses nor did I have anything to do with creative bookkeeping practices. But I, and millions like me, are made to suffer because of it. Many of us have lost our retirement funds once thought safe, we’ve lost our homes, our businesses and our self-respect due to job loss. Where are the ones responsible? Safely counting their money and laughing all the way to the bank, probably in a foreign country. The ones responsible for this dire situation are the very ones being asked to fix it. Like a bank robber being asked to fix bank security after he robbed it, and being paid to do so.

There is something seriously wrong with this country’s leadership when they care for the banks and corporations more than they do for their citizens. They forget that it was the American people who made the banks successful by depositing their earnings. It was the American people who made companies successful by buying their products. President Obama has said that the way to fix the economy is to invest federal dollars in the bankrupt companies and that those dollars will trickle down to the American people. I must tell him that we need more than a trickle in order to survive. We’ve been able to survive on less than $50,000 a year for company executives can’t get by on less than a half million dollars. I would think that those executives need to return to reality, the real world and experience how the ordinary American citizen lives. Only then will they realize that for every action, there is a reaction.