MOUNTAIN DUDE’S MOSTLY OVER THE TOP REASONS WHY PEOPLE LIVING IN DRY STATES SHOULD CONSERVE WATER:

10.  Couples that shower together stay together.

9.   You won’t have to spend as many hours beating drums during Indian rain dances.

8.   People living in wet states won’t welcome new arrivals with open arms if there are too    many refugees moving in from the dry states.

7.  Your cat is happier getting fewer baths.

6.  A glass of wine is more romantic than a glass of water.

5.  If you get yelled at for not flushing the toilet, you now have a legitimate excuse.

4.  Watering your lawn after 6:00 p.m. and before 9:00 a.m., will attract fewer bohemians who enjoy running naked through sprinklers during the hot, sunlight hours.

3.  Steamed vegetables are healthier than boiled. Raw vegetables are healthier than steamed.

2.  Giving your sexy girlfriend a candlelight sponge bath in her apartment so she can conserve bath water is a pleasure.

1. Your dog prefers drinking from a water bottle instead of his bowl of water which evaporates.

You can see more photos by Mountain Dude at :  www.dporterdvd.com

Yesterday, our water bill was accompanied by a lovely color brochure on water conservation in the Land of Gracious Living.  Apparently now is the time to conserve or there will be fines to pay!  Oh, no, Mr. Bill!

There is now an ordinance in Yorba Linda (Orange County) to not run sprinklers between 9-6 or more than 3 days per week, wash cars with the hose running, or have excessive water runoff on sidewalks or gutters.  The local government now has a right to tell us when and how to use outdoor water; something that should have been monitored more closely for the past several years.  Now people are screaming, “Next thing they’ll tell us when to take a shower and how many times a day we can flush the toilet!”  I’m not screaming, I’m laughing.

If people monitor their own water usage, there would be no need to bring city ordinances into this, but this is what it’s come to and it doesn’t surprise me, or bother me, one bit.  Given our family’s water usage and methods of household conservation, I don’t feel suppressed at all. 

Orange county citizens: ARE YOU OFFENDED BY THIS ORDINANCE?  What are you going to do about it?

I hate flies. I especially hate it when they buzz my ears. Flies ruin picnics and the diseases they carry can cause innocent people to become desperately ill.

There’s a scene in Sam Raimi’s new movie, “Drag Me To Hell,” where a beautiful young heroine is sleeping in her bed while a filthy black fly creeps all the way up inside of her nostril. It’s an unsettling scene.

What happened to one of my neighbors is even more unsettling and it was real life. Not some creepy movie. Tiny, odious villains attacked my neighbor by invading her vagina. The relentless onslaught in her most private area continued round the clock until she felt so sick she had to go to a hospital. When doctors told her that she had ovarian cancer, her life became a tortuous nightmare. I can’t think of anything more terrifying (except a doctor telling me I have prostate cancer and they want to cut my balls off).

My neighbor didn’t know what to do. Her doctors recommended chemo therapy which kills good cells as well as cancerous cells. She heard from friends that there are some good, alternative treatments available, but she also heard about scam slime (those despicable, dishonest people who prey on sick people like vultures). My neighbor chose chemo therapy and went through so much pain and nausea, she told me, “If I knew how bad chemo was going to be, I would rather have just died.”

The expensive chemo treatments kept her alive for two more years (if you believe mostly lying in bed with pain, feeling weak and sick is “being alive”). Then, sadly, she passed away.

If you never listened to anyone describe the horror of their cancer sufferings, just watch the documentary by Farah Fawcett and you will understand. You will also want to avoid the anguish of going through anything like that, if at all possible.

It’s too bad people get cancer in the first place. If they knew more about what causes cancer and what helps prevent cancer, they might be able to avoid such tragedies.

Apparently, it helps to stay away from eating refined sugar, simple carbohydrates and hydrogenated oil. The stuff cancer thrives on. If you must eat foods such as donuts, eat them in moderation. I would never travel all the way to New Orleans without enjoying deep fried beignets at Cafe Du Monde. However, I wouldn’t eat beignets everyday unless I wanted to feed a death wish.

Besides avoiding dangerous, deep fried sugar monsters, you can fortify yourself with super-foods which will heroically go to war against carcinogens which may attack your breasts, uterus, colon or prostate. Some of the greatest superheroes are garlic, carrots, cabbage and walnuts.

I don’t want terrorist cells lurking around inside of my country and I don’t want cancer cells lurking around inside of my body. After the 911 attacks, we spent millions of dollars fortifying our borders and airports from radical extremists who are hellbent on killing Americans. There is no guarantee that these efforts will keep all agents of terror outside of this country, but I like increasing the odds for survival. For similar reasons, I decided to fortify my body with super-foods to increase the odds of keeping cancer causing agents outside of my body.

The only problem is - Carrots and cabbage aren’t as yummy as donuts.

Since I enjoy eating great tasting food as well as traveling, I decided to explore the world looking for a delicious super-food recipe (something I could look forward to eating instead of just choking down like cod liver oil). First, I went to Europe hoping to find the perfect French or Italian recipe. I ran across some great recipes but nothing featuring super-foods. Thanks to the internet, my travels only took a few hours so I pressed on to India. Then I searched Asia. I continued exploring all the way around the world to Costa Rica, and down to South America, where finally, I made a great discovery. (Eat your heart out, Columbus.)

I discovered “Chilean Carrot Salad,” a common side-dish popular around Santiago, Chile. This nutritious and affordable, cancer fighting super-salad consists of grated carrots, chopped garlic, cilantro, lemon juice and canola oil.

In the spirit of Emeril Lagasse, I kicked this simple carrot salad up a notch by adding raisins, walnuts, cabbage and ginger. BAM - I ended up with a delicious salad that I regularly enjoy eating which also protects me from getting cancer. As a bonus, eating this salad for lunch instead of eating dangerous diner foods like French fries and Monte Cristo sandwiches has made it easy to lose more than a few pounds and save money.

MOUNTAIN DUDE’S KICKED UP CANCER FIGHTING CARROT SALAD:

2 cups grated carrots (about 4 medium sized carrots), 1/2 cup shredded cabbage (red cabbage is best), 3 tabl. walnut pieces, 3 tabl. raisins, 2 tabl. cilantro (finely chopped), 2 tsp. garlic (finely chopped), 2 tsp. fresh ginger (finely chopped), 2 tabl. fresh squeezed lemon juice, 1 tabl. canola oil or olive oil. Mix ingredients together in a large bowl. Makes 4 servings.

You can see more photos by Mountain Dude at www.dporterdvd.com

You know every time that I walk in a various stores there are behaviors that people exhibit that I just can’t get. I mean I thought that humans were the smartest beings on the planet. But walk into any retail store and you’ll start to question that claim. Here are some examples.

The people that thinks it’s fine to hold a conversation in the middle of the damn aisle - You’ve had this happen I’m sure were you’re walking down the aisle behind someone when a friend of theirs pops around the corner and the person in front of you stops and starts talking to their friend or relative. Now you have to try and either get their attention to move aside or go to other side of the aisle or just be rude as hell and tell them to get the hell out of your way.

I mean don’t these people realize they’re blocking traffic and causing everyone else to be inconvenienced. Can’t they take this all important conversation to another aisle in the store. Like a less populated off aisle not the heavily crowded main goddamn aisle to have their twenty minute chat. Didn’t every one’s mom teach them about common courtesy

The people that just shop while their kid is screaming his head off. You’ve had this happen your trying to enjoy your shopping and all of the sudden the peace is destroyed by  a kid screaming to the top of his lungs. And what are the dumb shit parents doing about it not a goddamn thing! There just content to zone it out and continue shopping while the rest of the store gets a goddamn migraine. You know what I urge everyone to do in that situation go up to the parents and scream right in their faces give it back to them a little.

The parents that are totally unaware when their children are running around in circles and getting into trouble. You know every single mammal species on earth watches their offspring. Well except for one US. How many times have you had to dodge a couple of kids as they run all over the damn store knocking shit over while their parents are looking at Giggly Grape Juice three aisles over. The only thing that puzzles me about these parents is the fact that most of them still wonder what can we do to protect our kids from abduction. Here’s a thought WATCH THEM! DON”T LET THEM RUN THREE AISLES AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

People that watch the total screen like a hawk - Now with the recession on I can understand pinching pennies. But trust me that three cents you may have been over charged isn’t going to make a damn bit of difference. I hate it when I’m behind people like this Usually its some mom with three kids and another on the way. She sits there carefully watching the total placing each item on the belt one at a time making sure that each thing is ringing exactly. Then something doesnt and it’s off by a matter of a few pennies. She stops and demands that the price be corrected. So now everyone behind her has to wait and usually she’ll stop putting stuff on the belt while this is going on. So after five minutes the price gets corrected Thank God she didn’t spend the extra pennies. Then the check out will resume and everyone hoping that there won’t be another discrepancy.

Well guess what you’ve just made me and everyone else in line wait. You’ve probably made at least one of us late for something all so you could say “Wow I really saved today!” I have news for you that little amount you saved will not save the family farm and also  if you save three pennies a day guess what you have at the end of the year you’d have a whole 10.95 WOW That’ll get you to DisneyLand!

Well I’m sure I’ll have a part two of this at some point

Warcorpse

My job is brainless. I sit and do hand-eye coordination maneuvers with small precision tools until a tooth forms. Which is great because it allows my true genius to flourish (inside my head, for eight whole hours a day).

I was listening to the radio the other day (at work) and they mentioned that the cost of liposuction was like, I don’t know – I actually, technically didn’t hear, but I heard my boss yell out “$2,500 to $3,000 for liposuction!”. And that was all it took. My Einstein busted through the mire of my boredom and went hog-wild. Wild, abandoned, unrestrained inspiration raged from every brain cell in my head for a good five to ten minutes. Fat is big business.

Upon further research (just now), I discovered that a single-area procedure could be anywhere from $2,000 to $8,000 for a single day, and lipo-suctioning more areas over a longer period of time could run as high as $20,000!!!

Now if we could just figure out a way (I KNOW it has to be possible) to transform that product into something that could feed our cars, we could kill two birds with one stone.

Judging by the average “size” of this nation, we could wipe out the entire energy crises, cure our dependency on foreign oil (that fat has GOT to burn down to good old-fashioned oil – bacon does), boost the economy, wipe out obesity, get in shape, improve the world’s opinion of us, and make money in the process. Godd*mn –that’s even more than two birds. That’s a flock of wild geese.

Think of it. Gas guzzling would take on a whole new meaning. There could be lipo/gas stations where you could either trade your fat for miles, or simply sell large portions of yourself and – screw cars – buy a plane ticket to anywhere! (a tropical island – and now you could even wear that itty bitty swimsuit you’ve been dreaming about. And you’d have plenty of spending booty in your pocketbook to spend ..on souvenirs…drinks…and of course! Local Cuisine!!!!).

Which brings up the point… given the possibilities, people – everyone – would probably buy and consume WAY MORE FOOD! Here in Minnesota we all put on at least a good twenty pounds over the winter. A few more tater tot hot dishes a week, couple more pounds of meat and potatoes, double the gravy, hell YES to bacon, and we’d be rolling in the dough by the time spring trickled in. By adding only a few more items to our winter diets a day, we’d have some serious pounds to leverage that spring vacation on. And we wouldn’t even have to sweat the frantic getting-in-shape-before-we-try-to-get-in-that-d*mn-swimsuit trauma. We just roll by the Lipostation on our way to the airport, swimsuits in hand. Yippy-ki-yay Mehico - here I come!! (well.. maybe not Mehico)

Anyways…BTW – no offense to anyone struggling with their weight…Honestly, if there was a way to do it, I’d be the first in line to trade my ass in for a road trip. It might not get me to the In-n-Out burger I’ve been dreaming of (for three years now, going on four) but it could get me a day or two off.

D*mn this has been a long winter. And I’ve had WAY too much time to think.

Next month analog television will come to an end and the era of digital television takes over. God, I really wish that didn’t make me so cranky.

For a little over a year I have been watching all the networks advertise the deadlines for the switch to digital television. The ads about the conversion have been on longer than that but they really upped their obnoxious factor in the last year. They have told me my good, old analog signal will go the way of the dodo bird and in its place I will have more channels, better sound, and a picture so good I’ll be able to see every pore on the faces of the news anchors. In theory, it seems like a veritable Xanadu, improved network television arriving in America just in time for a recession when millions of Americans are reassessing their home entertainment budgets.

And this would all be lovely. If it worked.

Call me cynical, but I have my doubts about how well this conversion will actually work. On the plus side, unlike the failed metric conversion the digital conversion is reliant on our deep affection for entertainment rather than our ability guess whether kilometers are more or less than a mile or what we should wear for 26 degrees centigrade. My concern is not that people won’t buy ridiculously expensive new televisions, subscribe to cable or satellite services that raise prices faster than a Vegas loan-shark, or that the rest of us poor slobs will be able to get our mitts on converter boxes. No, my concern is that digital television won’t get any better than it is now, ‘cuz so far the experience is not stacking up well with the hype.

Armed with a not-new television, a converter box, and a very intelligent person to help me, I am now receiving the much hyped digital television signal. It sucks.

Adjusting and setting the damn thing up is, apparently, just the first step. I have found that despite being in a prime location and being set up correctly, the digital signal is very finicky. The adjustment that gets me a clear picture during the day doesn’t always work at night. If the wind is blowing at all, forget it. Half the time I’m doing a cross between the wave and tai chi trying to unfreeze the screen when it glitches up.

Tonight I was watching the season finale of American Idol and it sounded like all the performers had a stutter because the channel was glitching out so badly. Oddly enough, that actually worked in Rod Stewart’s favor. His voice is not what it used to be. When I watch CSI I am constantly surprised at who they cuff at the end because with the way my crystal clear picture freezes and cuts out the vastly improved sound I miss half the plot.

But my frustrations with how digital television affect my viewing fall largely into the category of annoying. What scares me is how this signal, that cuts out when there is a slight breeze, will do during severe weather when I’m hoping the National Weather Service will tell me whether there is a large funnel cloud barreling toward me is going to redeposit me in Oz.

And it would be nice if my poor set up was the only one afflicted with a bad case of the glitches, but I have seen it happen even with new televisions. My dad spent roughly what it would cost to buy a kidney on the black market for a sleek-looking glitch factory. I made the dire mistake of walking into the room while he was watching it and it took him 15 minutes to get the picture back.

I’m all for progress and scientific advances in the cause of mindless entertainment, but this looks a lot more like a lateral move from where I’m sitting with my pixilated picture. Makes me want to click my heels together and say, “There’s no place like analog.”

I don’t know if it’s sheer exhaustion from weed wacking, or boredom with Life (myself), or financial stress that seems to get a little more excruciating every paycheck, but I don’t feel sorry for Obama, and in fact, I do believe I’ve done a complete reversal with regard to my opinion of him. I think he’s just another asshole dressed up like a politician, flapping his lips, lying through his teeth.

I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said (something like) “I’ll keep my guns, freedom and money, you can keep the change.” That pretty much summarizes how I feel about Obama right now, as of this moment.

It’s a real bummer; you can’t help but like the guy. For once, a nice-guy president who seemed to be able to talk to the general populace as if he actually was one of them (at some point in his life.) He seemed like someone with a conscious. He appeared to have America’s best interests in mind. He had experienced hardship; I, personally, could relate to that. He wasn’t just some little prick dressed up in cotton wool his whole life, groomed to take over the family fortune. He didn’t seem to be a spoiled little smug ignoramus shit of a man, like his predecessor. And the fact that he was black (or half-black – I don’t know why we say half-black, as opposed to half-white, but anyways…) the fact that he was pretty much black, made him seem like a long-overdue miracle. Change was happening. People themselves had changed enough in just a hundred years time to elect a black man for president. That’s pretty huge.

I could list more likeable things about him; there are plenty, but mostly it was the way he talked and what he said on the campaign trail that made him such an appealing choice. He said all the right things. Silly, ignorant, gullible me. I, like all those people that crammed the Lincoln Memorial for Obama’s inauguration celebration, put all that campaign trail bullshit together in my wee little mind, and had hopes that things actually would change. For real. But they haven’t. And after a quick scanning of a random selection of articles written by what appear to be intelligent, well-informed, well-educated people, I’m pretty convinced that Obama is just a good-looking version of all the previous shit that we’ve “chosen” to represent us, as Americans.

I feel like I’ve been had. I’m tired and I’m sick of financial worries. I don’t even have it nearly as bad as some people. Compared to some people my life is a miracle right now (knock on wood). But I wake up in the middle of the night stressing about money on a regular basis. I don’t even think any more what I used to think, “…As soon as I get this thing (bill) out of the way, I can start digging myself out. Next paycheck…” I just think, “Thank god I can throw something (some little f**king miniscule peanut with a dollar sign attached to it) at this bill, this time around. At least I won’t get sent to collections…yet.” I have just enough money to throw peanuts at my bills every month. Forget about digging myself out. I’m like a f**king dumbass spectator at a zoo, standing outside the elephant exhibit throwing peanuts at my problems, trying to make them go away. And every time I throw a peanut, the f**king elephant just wants more. Voracious little f**k. And I’m not even one of those (*greedy*, *bad*) Americans that spends shitloads of money they don’t have on shitloads of unnecessary shit every time they hit the stores. I pretty much buy what I need, and splurge on a frugal treat every now and then.

So back to Obama. Are my financial troubles his fault? No. (gag; yes) Because the amount that he appears to be spending is putting me and every other American deeper into the hole. Like I said, forget about ever digging ourselves out. We’re slaves and we will be slaves for as far down the road as I can see into the future, thanks to the way the government is spending out money - money we haven’t even earned yet. Ironic; that a black man is the one sitting on the steps of the plantation, this time around. He hasn’t changed a d*mn thing, and by the looks of it, he’s just more of the same old shit. I hate the American Government. The whole thing is a lying sack of shit.

Change? F**k change. Like the bumper sticker said, keep it. It won’t ever be enough to do me or my children a damn bit of good.

Sorry; this is a terrible thing to do. (post something without saying anything) But I don’t have time to write - have to mow my lawn before someone here shoots me

Anwways, this website (links below) is worth checking out. It’s  a wealth of information for anyone who bothers to look beyond anything.

http://www.searchlores.org/   <—the website

http://www.searchlores.org/swansong.htm  <—the man who started it.

http://www.searchlores.org/realicra/realicra.htm  <—a particularly nice place with a particularly interesting piece on slavery and supermarkets…

http://www.searchlores.org/realicra/slaves.htm <—interesting

Sometimes it’s nice to take a break from the regular stupid shit that we are constantly inundated with. Any of the above links will take you out of stupid mode for a while, incase you need a break.

I’d like to *link* some of the comments he made in his “swansong” (above link) to some of my opinions about the fucked up medical industry in the usa, the piece-of-shit pharmeceudical industry ( biggest drug cartel in the world) which is really running this country (in my own ignorant, illiterate , unresearched opinion), The bastard judge in Minneapolis who, in a court ruling tookaway the rights of the parents of Daniel Hauser to chose their sons medical treatment (for his cancer - do they have insurance? I wonder…who’s paying for that ruling? and what will this ruling be a precident for?) and the dumb ass people in general who allow themselves to be lead by the nose,  questioning nothing…but, like I said, I have to mow my lawn…

This is something that all most gave me a heart attack! there is currently a bill in the house it might have been defeated already but it was to limit the amount of news that would be available on the web or the amount of news a newspaper can place on the web I BELIEVE I could be dead wrong. Or it was something close to that.

First off the law itself is totaly uncontitional it violates the first amendment and it violates the free enterprise system. If you’re a bussiness it’s your choice weather you sell items at a store or you sell them online from a warehouse. NOT THE GOVERMENTS!

Now what’s even more surprising is the number of people that support the law, I’m not sure of the age demographic but they want it passed and basically progress stopped. They claim that we have to protect the newspaper! WHY! Back before TV every paper had at least two editions a day the morning paper and the evening paper and if there was something important going on you’d have the extra editions. Do we have that anymore no we don’t why because TV made multiple editions of the paper obsolete. there used to be sitcoms on the radio and they quickly died when TV came once again progress.

Now I like the paper myself and I’ll keep getting it until I know inevitably my paper goes totally online. It’s going to happen it doesn’t take a genius to figure out which way the wind is blowing on this. I mean especially in this recession why in the hell would anyone pay 50 cents a day for something they can read online for relatively free. It’s called progress people accept it. Everything in the universe has a beginning and an end. There are no exceptions to this rule and the print newspaper is reaching its end 

PS Normally I do a little more reshearch on a subject before I flame off about it. If anyone has any more specifics about that said law please leave a comment. All I had to go on was a little thing in my Op-Ex section of the paper. I still do think that the law never even made it to a vote in the house

Here’s another batch of morons that I can do without

The people that think Walgreen’s is a place to do major shopping. It’s not it’s a fucking conviance store/PHARMACY! It’s a place where sick people go to get prescriptions filled and maybe get some Gatorade. Why is that every time I’m sick I’m always stuck behind some bubble assesd woman who decided to buy 24 margarita glasses. And the cashier is some 90 year old lady that’s taking five minutes to wrap each one even though the fucking things are plastic. Then usually if I’m lucky the customer will pay with a card if not they’ll ask if they can pay with a check even though there at least two signs saying we don’t accept checks! People get your major shopping done at a major store, or at least a store that’s for dishes or whatever. Walgreen’s is a store to run in and grab a few items you forgot but mostly it’s where sick pissed off people go to get mounds of drugs to get them better.

People that pay with a check - Oh my god! do these people piss me off to no end! Do these people not know that checks take for fucking ever to write! For me personally they always screw the hell out of my balance sheet because I’ve waited damn near a month before the check cleared and was taken out of my account. Now paying bills with them is one thing. Personally I don’t know why anyone doesnt do bill pay but if you don’t have a computer. But going to a store and using them irks me to no end! Folks you have this thing called a CHECK CARD!!!!!!!! IT’S A LOT FASTER!!!!!!!!!! Then some of these morons will reply “Well I’m old fashioned and I like my checks” (These old-fashioned people can be like 22 at times)  I scream back “IT’S CALLED PROGRESS! WE USED TO GET AROUND WITH THE HOARSE AND CART BUT WE DON’T DO THAT ANYMORE!”

People that blame McDonald for their massive weight gain. We all know people like this hell might even have a friend like this. They’re overweight and know it’s getting harder for them to do things or the health problems are starting to come around. Do they take personnel responsibility for it and go to the gym or take a walk or hell just eat a fucking salad NO! They end up saying it’s not my fault I can’t fit into a elevator anymore or that I can’t fit into a airplane seat It’s McDonalds, Burger Kings or Wendy’s fault. they usually say this while stuffing a Big Mac in their faces. My question to them is did anyone put a gun to your head and force you to get the three cheeseburgers. NO! I think that they put their hands on the steering wheel, drove to the Golden Arches and ordered the three Big Macs Didn’t they.

There probably will be a part three to this but that’s all I can think of for the moment