I may not look it, not fit the profile, but deep within me beats the heart of a rabid football fan. Don’t let my affection for Jane Austen books and goat cheese fool you, I mark time by training camp, preseason, regular season, and off season. After the Superbowl and Pro Bowl, I go into a football withdrawal marked by generalized depression and loss of interest in life in general until the NFL Draft in the spring. And the object of all my affection is the Minnesota Vikings. What can I say, I love not too wisely, but too well.

So today, on May 14, 2009, my soul is on edge. Too melodramatic? Okay, I’m apprehensive. The fate of the famed Williams Wall is on the line in court today and I’m desperately trying to understand why the hell no one thought to organize a candlelight vigil for them last night.

Today the StarCaps saga that started when several NFL players tested positive for bumetanide last summer, is hitting another milestone (a.k.a. the fan) as they argue in a hearing in St. Paul. I’m crossing my fingers and hoping that Judge Paul Magnuson rules in favor of the players.

Last season Vikings fans held their collective breath and feared the worst when it came out that Pat and Kevin Williams, our Pro Bowl defensive linemen, tested positive for a banned substance that is associated with masking steroids. The Williams boys and three players from the New Orleans Saints were slapped with a four game suspension by the league and NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell preened like he was a bad-ass mamba-jamba, talking about the league’s zero tolerance policy for steroids and related substances. Bumetanide, associated with masking steroids in drug tests, was found in the players’ drug tests and they were guilty.

More than once I found myself whining “Say it ain’t so!” and saw my team’s season swirl down the crapper. The affable, hard-working Williamses were dopers. It was like a veil had been drawn over the sun. But I had underestimated the umbrage and tenacity of the Williams Wall–and just how screwy the whole scandal was. Kevin and Pat Williams were determined to clear their names. Not known for caving under pressure (as anyone who saw their brilliant goal-line stand in their home game against Chicago last year can testify) they felt they were in the right and decided to fight for their reputations. They claimed they took StarCaps to lose weight and had no idea that bumetanide was one of the ingredients. Had they known that the supposedly all-natural StarCaps contained a banned substance they would not have taken them. However, since the league knew and did not tell the players, it was on.

I have gleefully imagined that moment when Roger Goodell, at home reclining in a leather chair and swirling brandy in a Waterford snifter to the strains of Mozart, finds out that the linemen lawyered up and are going to fight their suspension. In my fantasy version of this revelation, Goodell throws the snifter into his fireplace in a fit of rage, and storms around shouting about how they are just big, dumb linemen and who do they think they are coming after him. They’re linemen, they’re supposed to do what I say! However, that is just the work of my overactive imagination. More likely, Goodell had to know this would be messy.

And, so far, it hasn’t disappointed. Shoot, this is the legal equivalent of some good, old-fashioned mud-wrestling. St. Paul judge Paul Magnuson gave the players a temporary injunction that enabled them to finish their season, a season that saw my Vikings on top of their division for the first time in a long time. The Vikings’ success was made possible in large part by a defensive line that was one of the stingiest in the league against the run. Now that the season is over Pat and Kevin Williams are back in court to hash it out and prepare for trial.

Having avidly read about this from the start, I’m really hoping that the NFL gets smacked and it isn’t just because my imagination conjured up a snide Roger Goodell in a smoking jacket as the villan. The NFL knew, KNEW, that StarCaps had bumetanide in them as early as November 2006 despite the fact that bumetanide was not listed anywhere in the ingredients. Dr. Brian Finkle, an NFL toxicologist, discovered the bumetanide present in StarCaps and had toxicologist Dennis Crouch of the University of Utah further test StarCaps for the presence of bumetanide. The findings showed that not only was bumetanide present, it was in concentrations high enough to meet or exceed the prescribed dosage.

This is the part that I found especially interesting—bumetanide is prescribed by doctors to patients with congestive heart failure and renal disease. We’re not talking about a caffeine tablet here, we’re talking about a prescription drug with serious side-effects used to treat life-threatening disease. I realize that I’m not a toxicologist or a physician, but it seems to me that when you discover that a popular weight-loss supplement, claiming to be natural, is spiked with dangerously high levels of a prescription drug, that is the kind of thing that should be made known to players, not in vague, broad, nonspecific language, but specifically and explicitly. Anything less seems like gross negligence with regard to player safety. That’s right, this is a matter of player safety so the league’s bitchy little line about it being the players’ responsibility to know what they were putting in their bodies seems waspish and petty—especially when there was no way for the players to know the supplement contained bumetanide. After all, it isn’t as if bumetanide was on the label, or players who called the league hotline were told not to take StarCaps because they contained bumetanide, or the league made the research they had about StarCaps containing bumetanide available to the players.

So today I’m thinking of Pat and Kevin Williams and I’m admiring just was how gutsy they were to tell the NFL exactly what they could do with that four-game suspension. It would have been so much easier to quietly take a suspension and put this all behind them, but they felt that their reputation was more valuable. Go Pat and Kevin!

* Facts for this post were taken from articles in the St. Paul Pioneer Press. Brian Murphy is brilliant.

“Due to swine flu, state health officials are changing the way public schools report absences…” That was the beginning of the recorded message I got on my phone last night from the school district.

Now, because of this so-called pandemic, public schools have to report to State Health Officials EVERY student who is absent because of flu-like symptoms.

What are flu-like symptoms?

*fever of 100 degrees or higher

*sore throat,

*cough,

*body aches,

*runny nose

Give me a break. What illness doesn’t fit into that list?

So the big question is…….Am I going to be a good girl and tell the school that my children have flu-like symptoms when I call them in sick? Whatever.

(From the School Districts Website:) “Students or staff with influenza-like illness should stay home and not attend school for at least 7 days even if their symptoms resolve sooner. If after 7 days, the student or staff continues to have acute symptoms, he or she should stay home until 24 hours after these symptoms resolve. If you have questions, please contact your school’s Health Services Office.”

If my kids are sick, they’ll stay home until they’re better. Period. If they are better, they will go to school. I’m not keeping them out of school for a whole god damn week because they MIGHT have flu-LIKE symptoms for one day of that week. I WILL keep them out for as long as they need to for WHATEVER reason until they are well enough to go to school, whether it’s one day or three weeks. I will decide. It’s MY job to be the parent - NOT the governments. Fucking invasive pile of bullshit.

By the way, the number of people that die every year from staph infections would make this so-called swine flu epidemic look like a small piece of paradise. I don’t know. If was going to freak out about something, I’d freak out about Staph infections. The number of deaths caused by this nasty little infection is anywhere from 18,000 per year to 100,000 per year, (depending on who’s talking) and affects as many as 2 million people a year, give or take. I don’t know how many people die every year from contracting Staph in hospitals, and I don’t care enough to research it, but it’s plenty more than the number of people dying from Swine Flu. So if you’re thinking of going to a Hospital to fix your swine flu, well… good luck.

By the way, the TOTAL number of people that have died from Swine Flu in the USA, is 3. In case you missed that number, here it is again: THREE.

The TOTAL number of deaths from Swine Flu ON THE PLANET is 53. It’s an epidemic alright. With respect to that, am I going to report that my children’s symptoms are flu like? Fuck you. How’s that for an answer?

Why is it that when I go to well any public place I’m just assaulted by groups of people that piss me off. Here are a few

The New Age Family - These wonderful groups of people are the people that have to make sure that everything they buy is a reflection of their family’s values and all I want to do is scream in their face “IT’S A PACK OF FUCKING OREOS! IT DOESN’T SAY SHIT ABOUT YOU! MAYBE THAT YOU LIKE COOKIES!” Or at the very least not hold the family meeting in the middle of the aisle so that I can get by please.

The Ultra Religious Family - I’m fine with these people’s beliefs, I just don’t care. The only thing that I ask of them is to 1 not hand me a pamphlet for any reason. 2 Would they please refrain from singing “Jesus loves me” while they’re shopping for tube socks, it’s creepy.

People that stand there and look at simple basic things for 20 minutes. I’ll give you an example the dorky guy that looks at something like Peanut Butter or Eggs for 20 minutes. Don’t you just want to run up to them and scream “It’s peanut butter it all tastes the same! Buy the one you bought last week or buy the one on sale!” That’s how I make my decision when I buy beer. either Budweiser, Michelob or Coors will be on sale. Guess which one I pick.

The Family that all dresses the same. You’ve seen these people I’m sure. Usually they’re on their way to a family reunion or some event and they stop for let’s say Noodle Salad. While their standing in line i want to walk over and say you know you guys look like four jackasses with you “Miller Family Reunion 09″ t-shirts and the 8 pounds of noodle salad from a grocery store. Why couldn’t you just put the shirts on when you got there. You know put them over your normal everyday t-shirt save yourslef a little humliation.

I think there’s going to be a part two

That’s all for now

Warcorpse

Colon cleanse.  Colon hydrotherapy.  Colonoscopy.  Scary words because nobody wants to talk about their colons or what comes out of them.  The colon will not be ignored, no matter how we try to not listen.  Here’s a well known parable in the health-care world:

One day the body organs got together and decided to have a meeting to determine WHO WAS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF THE BODY.

    The BRAIN was the first to speak. “Without me, you couldn’t think and nothing would be accomplished.”

    Then the HEART spoke up. “Well, I pump blood to your brain, so without me, you could not function, Mr. Brain!”

 The ARMS laughed. “You’re both wrong. If I didn’t put food in the mouth, you both would starve.”

The STOMACH said, “Without me, your food would not digest!”

The LUNGS bellowed back, “Without us, neither of you would get oxygen.”

The EYES blinked, “Without us, you could not see.”

The KIDNEYS snorted, “Without us, you could not detoxify.”

Then the COLON meekly spoke up. “I am important. You need me to eliminate all of the garbage from ALL of your systems.”

Everyone laughed and made fun of him. “How can you be as important as we are? You’re just a smelly old sewer.”

The poor colon - His feelings were hurt! He turned away and decided, “I’ll show them!”

Then, HE SHUT DOWN!…and sat back and watched what happened.

The BRAIN was stupefied.

The HEART’s beat was weak and irregular.

The ARMS were weak and couldn’t move.

The LUNGS - gave in to shallow breathing.

The EYES became clouded.

The KIDNEYS quit.

The COLON looked around and decided it was time to call another meeting in order to save the human. It wasn’t too lively this time, but everyone was in total agreement that all of their functions were dependent on the health and consistency of the colon. 

If you go to the dentist, bathe regularly, and wash your clothes, why not cleanse your colon?  (Shameless pitch for better health below)

www.mynsp.com/fitnessfewel  Search: colon cleanse

Warcorpse here talking about something that if you think about it for to long you’ll get a guaranteed migraine. All these fat people that sit and first off bitch about their weight while they’re sitting on the couch sucking down a Ho-Ho. Blaming everything from society to the media to the goddamn restaurants themselves for their weight problem. What’s even more aneurysm causing are these parents groups that get the schools to serve bland tasteless food because it needs to be healthyer for their fat ass kids. Then the third group that say they want to eat healthy but by nothing but TV Dinners, Frozen Pizza and other assorted Garbage. When confronted they say I don’t have time to cook. Really dinner should only take twenty to thirty minutes you don’t have that long!

To the people that sit there and blame everything I have one thing to say. NO ONE IS PUTTING A GUN TO YOUR HEAD AND FORCE FEEDING YOU DOUGHNUTS! You people are the ones going to restaurants and ordering all three courses for yourselves. Your the ones that go to buffets and eat for two goddamn hours. Your the ones that go to the grocery store and buy nothing but boxed or canned heavly processed instant meals. And your the ones who think that cooking begins and ends with the MICROWAVE!

Now does it end there hell no! You snack at least three times a day, drink soda by the gallon, won’t think about going to the gym after the month of January and generally round out the day by sitting on your couch watching all the safe programming on TV and slurping down all the ice cream you can handle. Then you try and tell me that it’s NOT your fault that you can barely get behind the wheel of your car . Here’s a thought try a salad, go see your doc, get on a exercise program, and you know what the pounds will FALL off! I know that’s not what the fat pride group wants to do but that’s another article

Now to the parents that are wrecking school lunches and even the goddamn bake sales, enough already. First off lunch is the one goddamn meal that you can eat like shit and still get away with it. Because you still have several hours to burn off the calories. Secondly most children can eat whatever they want because their metabolisms are burning at a hundred miles an hour and most of them are a hell of alot more active than their PARENTS. Third and most important school serves the kids ONE MEAL! you parents serve them the other TWO PLUS ALL THE SNACKS! If your kid is over-weight and he asks for cookies as a snack say NO! I know that’s a foreign word to most parents but it’s a great way of combating childhood obesity. Having the PARENTS step up and tell the lard ass kid NO!!!

It’s not McDonalds or Burger King’s fault your kids are fat its YOURS. Last time I checked the parents took them to McDonalds and PAID for the Happy meal. They’re kids they don’t have fucking jobs to buy shit with. Plus parents it’s really hard for a kid to eat healthy when mom and dad are sucking down the cookies to. Also if you want them to eat healthy stop giving them crap,  they’re kids they won’t starve after a day or two they’ll eat. It takes an adult brain to be able to starve yourself. One last little thing about the parents that got the bake sale to be healthy… SHUT THE FUCK UP! Cookies will never be healthy.

Lastly the third group that wants to eat healthy but says they don’t have time to cook and so they buy a Hormel ready-made Meatloaf, two packs of Bob Evans Mashed potatoes, A pack of Green Giant steam vegetables and a large jar of gravy and call it “dinner”. Then they sit there and wonder why their weight keeps going up and more so wonder why they’re to tired to cook. Here’s a thought, did you ever think the junk you’re eating is keeping you TIRED! Maybe if ate some REAL FOOD you’d feel better and have a little more energy. Folks healthy eating does not come from a PRE-MADE BOX! LEAN CUISINE IS NOT PART OF A HEALTHY DIET!

And don’t tell me you don’t have time to cook everyone does if you’ll just have to sacrafice the twenty minutes of American Idol and if you put a TV in the kitchen that problems finished. Fourtuently for everyone the old Warcorpse loves to cook and I’m compiling a list of recipes. They’re not particularly light but it is REAL FOOD! No pre-made bullshit!

So i think this proves that for every 1 fat person that is over-weight related to a medical problem that can’t be controlled through medication there’s 999 that are a  result of pure laziness or stupidity. Laziness is the reason I’m a bit overweight myself. I just don’t make bull-shit excuses for it. Okay America now it’s time to either do something about it or stop crying about it!

More from Warcorpse HERE

   There are few places I want to be in the morning. Like anywhere out of bed. Not in my cold car that cruelly starts to disperse actual heat only when I arrive at my destination. And the last place I want to be is the gym. Yet, dutifully, on most mornings I drag myself there. Gotta burn off all those Cheetos somehow. Throw my stuff in the cabinets, and go to the bathroom to take a leak. When, what to my wandering eyes should appear but…

   Man ass.

   Seriously, what the fuck is up with this? No one wants to be greeted by another guy’s ass cheeks. It’s always the same dude, shaving while naked. Tell ya what, though, it does wake one up quicker than coffee. More than half the time when I go to the gym in the morning, I am greeted by this sight. Every time, I do not expect it; I guess my subconscious is trying to protect me. My neck muscles are suddenly warmed up, as they snap my head right away. After seeing this event become an almost daily ritual, it got me to thinking; who the fuck shaves naked anyway?

   I have lived with my father and older brother, and male room mates, and none of them have ever shaved naked. I don’t shave naked. So where did this practice come from? And why would one want to do this in public?

   Why, when you are holding a sharp razor right over your crotch, would you not protect yourself? I am sure there is some record book in some medical college of dunderheads who have cut their wangs when they dropped their razor while shaving naked. I am sure at least one med school student per semester at least asks the question. Because you know it’s happened before. And will again.

   OK, if you want, I can give you shaving naked in your own house. I mean, it’s your own house, you can do whatever you want. But why in public? I have a theory that this guy is really a pervert, and onlyshaves naked at the gym. I am sure when at home, he’s covered head to toe. Certainly, he must be an exbitionist.

   The design of the mens locker room doesn’t help, either. Yes, there are 2 doors to get in, just as with the laides room. However, rather mysteriously, the outer door is always open, leaving just one door between Mr Man Ass and the unassuming gym-going public. Of course, he always picks the only sink that is in view of the door. From what I understand, after the 2 doors in the ladies room, it veers over to the right so nothing can be seen. But no such luck in the mens room. Hell, the shower entrance is nearly visible if both doors are open. You never see any of the hot girls at the gym running through naked in the ladies locker room. Er…..not that I’ve looked….or paced up and down the hallway…or anything like that.

   Most people see enough assholes in the morning, they don’t nedd to see yours.

Not really, but it’s been ten years since I’ve been to the dentist. I hate dentists. Kind of ironic that I work in the dental industry. But I (and my daughters) finally had to go because it’s just about that time.

Going to the dentist is a pain in the ass. I don’t mind the pain. I don’t. Stick a crowbar in my mouth and do what you have to do. Just get it done. Couldn’t care less about the fact that I have to lay there for an hour with my mouth ajar. Love talking to the hygienist…when I can. Great fun. But this is what I hate most:

1. They NEVER tell you what any of the costs are going to be. They will NEVER give you a fee schedule. Even if you go in and say, “This is how much I can spend this month, next month and the following month, and I’m going to die after that so can we please keep it in that range so that I can f**king pay for it…?” They smile, nod their heads, and then ream your pocketbook. What I said I could pay, they nodded, smiled and doubled. The pathetic thing is, I could see it in their eyes – they do this every day. Nod, smile, assure you they’ll work with you, and then ream, ream, ream.

2. The discomfort you feel at the dentist is way beyond what I remember it to be (ten years ago) when my (really good) dentist sat me down, stuck a pair of sunglasses (??) and headphones on me and let me pretend I didn’t exist while she quietly and coolly went about her business fixing my teeth. Now it’s a goddamn conference. It’s a f**king unbearable sales pitch. They get you in the chair and reveal to you your “options” (most of which are not necessary for good oral health.) But boy do they make you feel like you GOTTA have it all. And then they start mapping out the payment break down. “Well, you can pull one wisdom tooth this time, another next time along with having the sealants put in,” or “we can remove your fillings…mercury (he made sure to put extra emphasis on that word – even though he’d already pretty much covered it with “fillings”) during this three months, and then talk about doing some plastic fillers, or have you thought about veneers? There’s always invisalign…” Why the f**k is he telling me about invisalign – I already had braces.

And, you know, if your wisdom teeth aren’t bothering you…why the hell should they be pulled? Could somebody please tell me that? Because they might bother you in the future? Well then pull the damn things in the future.

I can’t stand solicitors. Not on my phone, not at my door, not in a box, not with a fox, not in a house, not with a mouse, not in the air, not in this chair! I do not like them Sam I Am, I f**king do not like this dental scam!!! Just clean my teeth, fill my cavities and shut the f**k up so I can leave with a penny or two left in my wallet!!!!!!

I was sweating by the time I left. And that was before I saw the bill, which of course was twice as much as I thought we had agreed I could afford to pay this time. And the projected bills for the rest of the “treatment plan” was four times that. God d*mn!

Anyways, the upside of all that is I had NO cavities. Not bad for ten years, eh? At least that’s one penny they won’t be pulling out of my mouth.

I used to be energetic, fun, loving etc… now all the good staff i have is going down due to the life I’m leading. I’m married but separated and live together. very unhealthy situation and on top of that i lost my job that really made me unhappy but I went back to school and almost done with my 2 years community college and hoping to transfer to university in fall 09 or spring 2010. I tried to get a job at grocery store or just an office clerk job b/c i have a good experience in office job or grocery job. I applied many places but it seems like i just couldn’t make it. No luck. The only positive thing i had last semester i pass all 4 transferable class with an A, that was really cool. I sometimes I feel like dating but my situation is won’t let me do that and been in relationship is a west of my time b/c the last 3 relationship i had wasn’t that great. I feel like i can be a good wife to a good man. I feel like i will feel better if i get a job where i can interact with people. just to get out and do something. Or may be a voluntary job on the field I’m studying (Business) even that i couldn’t get that.  Sometimes i think I’m depressed but i just can’t go see a doctor cause i don’t have insurance. I feel really good when i go running. I do run 2 or 3 times a week.  I do have some guy friends (just friends) but the girls have an issue all the time so i don’t have a girl friends. is there a place for me until i finish my education. I just want to do something even for free like entry level job that relate to my major (Accounting) . Is it even normal for attractive 27 year old women to just be shut off in side? is this b/c i expected too much in life? i only want to get a job and lead my life so that i can feel less of a looser. why is this so hard for ppl like me that would love to work and do something positive but it get to the point were i feel like i can’t do much b/c of the freak-in managers or supervisor rejecting my resume. The funny thing is i see people that are slow mentally have a job  ( nothing against them) but they have a job at grocery store as a bagger or what ever.

The only thing i have is my school, exercising and looking for a job. I don’t even look at guy any more off course except my friends cause I’m shut off b/c of my freak in husband who played on my emotion. I feel like I’ll be really happy if i get a job Why do we have to suffer for the ppl in the power chair screwed the economy and they get belled out and me and other ppl like me got left frustrated.

ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!

hey feel free to share Ur opinion.

This is for all the people at my old job, who thought I was a nutcase every time I mentioned my penchant for treating my family’s illnesses with alternative therapies: HA! I have a success story to tell about weird medicine. And it is truly WEIRD!

First I want to say, the subject of insurance came up very recently in another post, which naturally got my goat because I have no insurance (with the exception of a small medical reimbursement). I opted out of insurance at my last job for two reasons: first, it was too expensive, and second,  it didn’t cover the doctors I prefer: alternative doctors. Why pay an arm and a leg for insurance you can’t use? (I already know the answer: incase of an emergency. I know. That doesn’t change the fact that I still can’t afford it.)

After several unfortunate experiences with “traditional” medical doctors, I find it very hard to trust them. Aside from those experiences I just really have an issue with the lack of thoroughness that seems to characterize the “general check-up” during your average doctor visit. My idea of a check-up goes beyond having a doctor listen to your breathing with a stethoscope, gag you with a giant popsicle stick, peak in your ears with a cool little flashlight, and ask questions like, “do you wear a seat belt?”

On the other hand, I’ve had extraordinary results with alternative doctors like naturopaths, homeopaths, chiropractors who specialize in applied kinesiology, etc. and who really do a thorough job of checking out your health when you visit them. I use alternative doctors now for everything, and since they are usually rather expensive and generally not covered by insurance,  or only partially covered, I’ve begun collecting all sorts of books on alternative medicine, herbal remedies, home remedies, Chinese natural cures – I could go on and on. I have tons of these books - anything I can learn for myself so that I can avoid the ultimately way too-expensive doctor visit.

My favorite book (at present) is one called “10 Essential Herbs” by Lalitha Thomas, which I just picked up recently at Half-Price Books. Not surprisingly, it lists ten common household items, and how they can be used to heal all sorts of ailments. It’s super easy to read, and has intriguing little amazing-cure stories, which is right up my alley.

In the aforementioned post, (the one that got my goat), I mentioned that my kids rarely get sick, and that, in fact, the only days they’ve had to take off from school in the last few years, are “stress” days: days when they are overwhelmed and need a break. I figure that since they have such a good health record, it’s o.k. to reward them with a little personal time out. I also know from experience that it helps keep them healthy, enthusiastic, motivated, and positive. Overwhelmed kids are tired kids, tired kids are unhappy kids, unhappy kids find it hard to function, kids that aren’t functioning aren’t learning, kids that aren’t learning are bored, and bored kids can oftentimes be “difficult”. I guess you could call those type of “sick” days, preventative medicine.

As soon as I mentioned in that post that they rarely get sick, I knew it was a mistake, even though I protected myself with the little “knock on wood” charm. The day after I wrote that, my oldest daughter complained that she had an earache. She’d had it for three weeks, she told me, when I questioned her further. She said it had been sort of bothering her all along but had just gotten pretty distressing. She felt like it was full of water, and she heard weird clicking sounds inside it, and it hurt. Ear aches scare me. They’re tricky.

Fortunately I had just been reading in “10 Essential Herbs” the wackiest cure for an ear ache I’d ever heard! Ironically, I had read it about three weeks before and had thought, “Hm. Interesting. That’s a good one – I’ll have to remember that one.”

So here it is: (brace yourselves, all you conservative traditional people who believe the only real doctor is a tradition medical doctor)

You cut an onion in half, place it flat-side down on a baking sheet in the oven, cover it with natural fiber fabric (too much of a hassle – I just left the skin on, which worked fine), and cook it at about 350 degrees long enough for it to soften (I went 20 minutes). Let it sit until it is warm to the touch. This is the weird part: Place the flat side of the onion over the ear and secure with a scarf (I used a regular old snug winter hat). Leave on for at least 2 hours (I just had my daughter sleep on it, with a heating pad - and towel of course! - underneath it).

I also put ear drops in both ears, as per the book. Eardrop recipe: minced fresh garlic and olive oil in equal portions. (You don’t put the garlic in the ear though! Just the oil.) We were both a little skeptical as we said our goodnights, but what are you gonna do?

The next day (today) she said her ear felt 100% better! No weird pressure feeling inside, no pain, no feeling of water clogging it up, and no weird clicking sound she’d been hearing in her inner ear. Yay for onions!

From the book:

“Since Onions contain sulphur compounds as one of their active ingredients, they are a superb antiseptic. Like Garlic, the Onion is also used to cleanse the blood and lower high blood pressure. Research done at East Texas State University has identified a prostaglandin compound in the raw Onion. This compound is known for lowering high blood pressure in humans.

In addition to the active ingredients in Onion that help it to break up fluid congestion in body tissues, such as bruising and swelling, there is also an action that is anti-inflammatory. I have often used an Onion/Salt poultice…for the infamous “water-on-the-knee” injury common to many knee-twisting sports. In every case so far this self-help approach has been successful – breaking up and drawing out the blood and lymph fluids with little or no inflammation to the joint. The result has been a quicker recovery. The same treatment works wonders on sprained ankles and bruised ribs…”

Lowering blood pressure with an onion!!! Just think how pissed the pharmaceutical industry would be to hand all those blood-pressure-lowing-medicine MILLIONS of dollars over to the farmers. Personally, I’d love to see it happen. In the meantime, I’ll stick to my Weird Medicine.

From the horror stories we hear, or in reality have to face, cancer is a four letter word. It is emotionally damaging to the diagnosed, and to their loved ones.  It is a killer and everything about the disease is only an understatement.  The most terrifying aspect of the epidemic is that it can not be prevented.  Smoking may speed up processes like brain tumors, or melenoma, but if you are prone to not being able to fight off the ailment, odds are you will get it. (With the exception of smokers and throat cancer)

Unless you are fleeing to Canada for free MRI’s and CAT scans, the average American can not afford a full body cavity search.  If you could stop your mother from contracting breast cancer, you would.  If you could forsee your younger brothers lymphoma, you would prohibit it. Likewise with grandpas prostate cancer. (see http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/alphalist for an A-Z list of cancers)  Life is a crapshoot when it comes to thinking about what way and when are we gonna go out. (Please be like Elvis on the can)

What is more disturbing, is that there is another epidemic that is completely contradictory to the means of contraction regarding cancer, and it’s AIDS.  HIV left behind 15 million orphans last year.  Many of the victims are born into the disease.  AIDS is predominantly spread by unprotected sex, and desperate drug users.  Ok, that is well known information.  They preach safe sex all the time, or if you turn on Disney, the Jonas brothers say abstinence is the way to go.  I can’t wait to see whose gay, or the first to father a child under 20 years old in that band. But I digress.

AIDS is a disease we continue to bring upon ourselves.  Lusting, and shamelessly being foolish with our sexual endeavors.  Whether it is the man whore, the slut, or the unsuspecting one night stand, we are all at risk. Particularly in densely populated cities, where it is impossible to fathom your partners sexual history.  The death casts nothing but a painful, dreadful shadow on those inflicted.  Torturous, and relentless in its conquest of crumbling the bodies immune system until the body caves in on itself.  In Africa that’s considered a Tuesday.

Wake up America, come on, seriously, and insert another whiny sounding colloquialism here. Put on your cock balloons, plug in your diaphragms, or go to rehab if you’ve ever thought about sticking a needle in your arm.  I hope those lovely images make you think twice before trying to bang some one off craigslist.

(glance at the all the categories that this topic can relate to)