But the key question here is will you? ILYBC (that’s the way the hipsters do it) is based on the book written by Larry Doyle. Doyle comes with some pedigree, as he’s written for shows like The Simpsons. This is one of those rare instances when I have actually read the book. I am not the greatest reader in the world, so it’s extremely rare that a book I read ever gets made into a movie. So let’s see how the flick holds up.

                The movie revolves around Denis and Beth. Denis is the nerdy valedictorian who has been madly in love with the most popular girl in school Beth. Beth doesn’t even know he exists, especially since he’s sat behind here all these years. During his valedictorian speech, Denis decides this is his only chance to tell her how he feels. So he tells the entire graduating class and their parents that he does, in fact, love Beth Cooper. The rest of the movie takes place during the ensuing night and morning.

                Who can’t identify with the plot? Who hasn’t secretly harbored a crush on someone for years? It doesn’t have to be high school; it can happen at work, within friends, etc. The plot is immediately endearing, because who among us actually had the balls to do something about it? Certainly not my wussy self.

                One of the strong points of the book is that it is “written like a movie”. I guess Doyle’s TV experience serves him well.  And it also helps that the book is very funny. I only have two chief complaints about the book. 1) The laughs tend to tail off as the story winds down. 2) The climax seems a bit far fetched. Regardless, I was wary of seeing how the flick would compare to the book.

                By and large, the movie is faithful to the book. The action really starts when Beth and her two girlfriends (they do always travel in packs) actually show up to Denis’s lame party. Rich, Denis’ movie quoting and possibly gay best friend, does his best to lighten the mood as the girls quickly grow bored. Things are quiet until, Beth’s coked up military boyfriend Kevin tracks her down. OK, let the hijinx ensue!

                The rest of the movie is the 5 dodging Kevin and his military cronies. As they do, Beth and Denis reveal more about themselves. Denis isn’t who Beth thinks he is and vice versa. Yes, it’s formulaic, and yes it’s all been done before. But ILYBC maintains a certain innocence and sweetness not seen in similar type ‘teen’ movies. One scene can have you laughing, the next feeling for the characters.

                The execution of the story is good. Director Chris Columbus has done similar type movies (Home Alone, Adventures in Babysitting), but it’s still at a trade off. For example, the kitchen scene above just didn’t come off as good as the book, even though the dialogue was just about the same. Conversely, the following scene with Denis fighting Kevin with a light saber came across really well. In addition, the climax was different and better-as in realistic-in the movie.

                Was it worth my 10 damn dollars? Ultimately, I will say yes. I usually hate seeing comedies at the theater, there is usually little lost if you just rent it at home. I do have to say, I think this flick is worth the money. I think it appeals to most age types. It’s a relatively clean movie that teens on up can go to, but has more than enough laughs for the adults. It works as a good comedy, and a good date movie as well.

I hate flies. I especially hate it when they buzz my ears. Flies ruin picnics and the diseases they carry can cause innocent people to become desperately ill.

There’s a scene in Sam Raimi’s new movie, “Drag Me To Hell,” where a beautiful young heroine is sleeping in her bed while a filthy black fly creeps all the way up inside of her nostril. It’s an unsettling scene.

What happened to one of my neighbors is even more unsettling and it was real life. Not some creepy movie. Tiny, odious villains attacked my neighbor by invading her vagina. The relentless onslaught in her most private area continued round the clock until she felt so sick she had to go to a hospital. When doctors told her that she had ovarian cancer, her life became a tortuous nightmare. I can’t think of anything more terrifying (except a doctor telling me I have prostate cancer and they want to cut my balls off).

My neighbor didn’t know what to do. Her doctors recommended chemo therapy which kills good cells as well as cancerous cells. She heard from friends that there are some good, alternative treatments available, but she also heard about scam slime (those despicable, dishonest people who prey on sick people like vultures). My neighbor chose chemo therapy and went through so much pain and nausea, she told me, “If I knew how bad chemo was going to be, I would rather have just died.”

The expensive chemo treatments kept her alive for two more years (if you believe mostly lying in bed with pain, feeling weak and sick is “being alive”). Then, sadly, she passed away.

If you never listened to anyone describe the horror of their cancer sufferings, just watch the documentary by Farah Fawcett and you will understand. You will also want to avoid the anguish of going through anything like that, if at all possible.

It’s too bad people get cancer in the first place. If they knew more about what causes cancer and what helps prevent cancer, they might be able to avoid such tragedies.

Apparently, it helps to stay away from eating refined sugar, simple carbohydrates and hydrogenated oil. The stuff cancer thrives on. If you must eat foods such as donuts, eat them in moderation. I would never travel all the way to New Orleans without enjoying deep fried beignets at Cafe Du Monde. However, I wouldn’t eat beignets everyday unless I wanted to feed a death wish.

Besides avoiding dangerous, deep fried sugar monsters, you can fortify yourself with super-foods which will heroically go to war against carcinogens which may attack your breasts, uterus, colon or prostate. Some of the greatest superheroes are garlic, carrots, cabbage and walnuts.

I don’t want terrorist cells lurking around inside of my country and I don’t want cancer cells lurking around inside of my body. After the 911 attacks, we spent millions of dollars fortifying our borders and airports from radical extremists who are hellbent on killing Americans. There is no guarantee that these efforts will keep all agents of terror outside of this country, but I like increasing the odds for survival. For similar reasons, I decided to fortify my body with super-foods to increase the odds of keeping cancer causing agents outside of my body.

The only problem is - Carrots and cabbage aren’t as yummy as donuts.

Since I enjoy eating great tasting food as well as traveling, I decided to explore the world looking for a delicious super-food recipe (something I could look forward to eating instead of just choking down like cod liver oil). First, I went to Europe hoping to find the perfect French or Italian recipe. I ran across some great recipes but nothing featuring super-foods. Thanks to the internet, my travels only took a few hours so I pressed on to India. Then I searched Asia. I continued exploring all the way around the world to Costa Rica, and down to South America, where finally, I made a great discovery. (Eat your heart out, Columbus.)

I discovered “Chilean Carrot Salad,” a common side-dish popular around Santiago, Chile. This nutritious and affordable, cancer fighting super-salad consists of grated carrots, chopped garlic, cilantro, lemon juice and canola oil.

In the spirit of Emeril Lagasse, I kicked this simple carrot salad up a notch by adding raisins, walnuts, cabbage and ginger. BAM - I ended up with a delicious salad that I regularly enjoy eating which also protects me from getting cancer. As a bonus, eating this salad for lunch instead of eating dangerous diner foods like French fries and Monte Cristo sandwiches has made it easy to lose more than a few pounds and save money.

MOUNTAIN DUDE’S KICKED UP CANCER FIGHTING CARROT SALAD:

2 cups grated carrots (about 4 medium sized carrots), 1/2 cup shredded cabbage (red cabbage is best), 3 tabl. walnut pieces, 3 tabl. raisins, 2 tabl. cilantro (finely chopped), 2 tsp. garlic (finely chopped), 2 tsp. fresh ginger (finely chopped), 2 tabl. fresh squeezed lemon juice, 1 tabl. canola oil or olive oil. Mix ingredients together in a large bowl. Makes 4 servings.

You can see more photos by Mountain Dude at www.dporterdvd.com

(The Movie Review is in the last paragraph, for those of you with limited time. I seriously need to learn to edit. In the meantime…)

Demons are funny little creatures. They like to scare you. They get you when you’re weak and vulnerable. Weak, vulnerable people are ridden with holes…battle scars, gaping wide open. This world is war; there are plenty of gaping wounds through which a mischievous little prick of a demon might enter.

Nine or so years ago I was in a vulnerable condition. I had just taken my children and left my ex. I was an open battle wound. A human gateway, through which any demon might easily enter. I didn’t realize it at the time; in fact, I was quite naïve about my own weakness, as well as the imminent forces of evil that presided all around me, invisible, lurking…waiting for the hurt to open just a nitch more…waiting for the walls of my defense system to break down just enough so that it could stealthily enter, and wreak havoc.

An old friend had helped me move. I had not seen this friend in a number of years. He contacted me out of the blue, right in the middle of my hell, for no reason at all. We quickly became attached to each other. He swept in, picked me up, and helped me move away. As we drove, he talked. During the seven hour drive, he began saying some unusual things. One of the things he said, which managed to lodge itself firmly in my head was, “Everywhere I go, children die…” He seemed to be genuinely confused by this. I was taken aback, but assumed it had to do with the fact that he had gone into the military. Children die in wars, unfortunately. I shrugged it off and kept driving.

We arrived at my destination and he continued on his way. He and I were close. We had dated many years before and were entertaining the idea of getting back together. But before that happened, we both had a number of affairs to settle. He seemed to be an angel, rescuing me from a bad situation…who knows if he was angel or demon. I still wonder.

My children and I settled temporarily in my parents home, so that I could get my feet back on the ground. My friend and I got together often, and began seriously planning our future together. Both of us had children and they all seemed to be perfectly content with the idea of becoming one big happy family. It was a dream come true. Finally, a responsible, good, “normal” man. Things were bright and sunny.

Enter the Demon.

I was lying in bed one night, just falling into that thresh-hold of sleep where you’re floating halfway between this world and the other…and I heard a distinct, clear voice say, “You’re going to die.”

It was loud enough to wake me up fully, instantly.

Now, I talk to myself all the time in my head. I’m one of those people who could be perfectly happy as the last living human on earth. I walk along, intensely engaged in the most specific, detailed and thoroughly absorbing conversations in my mind…with myself, and any number of people who I may or may not have met in my lifetime. There are two common threads that run through all of these conversations:

1. they occur silently, in my head, as thought, and

2. I am the one doing all the speaking, if there is more than one person talking. I am fully aware that it is me talking to me.

But this voice…this “you’re going to die” voice was different. It was actually audible. The room was empty except for myself and my sleeping children. I listened…waiting for more. Silence. I wondered…had I imagined it? Was it a dream? I lay there in bed, wondering if I was going insane. Finally, I began dropping off to sleep once again.

“You’re going to die!” I heard the voice a second time. Loud and very real.

It was harsh and determined. Really audible. Nothing nice about it at all. I was instantly shaking with fear, to say the least. Had I really heard the voice? Yes; I had heard it. It had a distinct vibration that was still resonating in my ears. I pulled the covers up, my arms and legs feeling like lead – an icky horror-feeling in my stomach, my heart pounding loud and barrel-deep in my chest.

I felt a presence. I suddenly remembered what my friend had said in the car, about children dying. Was it him, paying me some weird ghostly visit? Or was it a demon that was in him taking a little time off from him to f**k with me?

I’d never met a demon before but you don’t need to know evil, to recognize it when you see or hear it for the first time. I knew that whatever it was, wanted to get me – maybe my kids. I didn’t know why I knew, I just did. I knew that whatever it was, it was bad. And I was terrified beyond anything I’ve ever known before. I laid there, shaking violently for some time, waiting to see if the voice would speak up again. I began to think how unhappy my kids would be if they were raised by their dad. They needed me.

And then I got mad. Suddenly my senses came to me in a rush. All I could think was, “F**Kyou, you son-of-a-bitch. Who or what ever you are, you can get the f**kout of this room, my head, or wherever you are. There’s no way in hell I’m going to die. If you even think I’m going to let my daughters get raised by their dad well…you are going the f**kdown!”

I bitched that f**ker demon out. I felt crazy doing it, but if this is what my life had come down to, I was going to play, and play hard. Finally, I was too tired to care about the demon any more, and fell asleep.

I woke up in the morning early, feeling amazingly refreshed. I got in my parents car (didn’t have my own) and drove to work. It was rainy. The tires were bald. Hitting that last corner …well, maybe I was going a little too fast. I skidded. Woa.

I put my foot on the brakes. Fish-tailed. Double woa.

I floored the brakes. Everything from that point on went in slow motion. It was amazing. I was sitting in the drivers seat watching the slow-motion world all around me get demolished by my parents car. I felt the thump of the curb as my car roared up onto the sidewalk. I felt sorry for the newly planted baby trees that were torn right out of their home in the ground and went flying away from me, looking like dandelions being tossed on a compost heap.

When all was said and done, I had hit a concrete lamp post sideways, at over 60 mph, busting the light post and turning my parents Volvo into a mess of jutting angles. It was totaled. If anyone had been in the passenger seat, they’d have been pudding. But the damn car kept running. It refused to stop. It growled and jerked back onto the road. It had a mind of its own. The goddamn thing wouldn’t die. It was possessed. The slow motion was over. I was back in real time. In shock I said to the car, “you’re possessed,” and suddenly, out of the blue, it occurred to me that I should turn off the ignition.

I did so, and instinctively hit the clutch and brake at the same time. And that’s when I realized that I had hit the gas instead of the brake when I started skidding. Damn. That’s f**ked up. Especially since that damn Volvo had 350,000 miles on it and was still running good. F*8ked demon. You bitch! You f**king Volvo-killing f**ker !

Can you believe, it was Friday the 13^th? I found that out as I was signing papers in the ambulance. No joke. A short while later they were stitching me up in the emergency room. After all that, all I needed was one stitch in the back of my right hand. One itty bitty little stitch. If I look closely, I can still see the ½ inch slit, two-pin-prick scar. It looks exactly like a mathematical division symbol. The division between good and evil.

“You should have died.”

“Huh?” I’m noticing that I don’t feel anything as they are sewing up my hand. Weird… The sensation of not feeling the needle is so weird that it’s almost profound. Almost as fascinating as the slow motion helter skelter ride into the lamp post.

“You should have died on impact.”

I learned right then and there that I should have died that morning. Something about the way I hit the pole and the velocity or centrifugal force or something scientific like that, and the way my neck should have instantly snapped. So that fdemon was trying to get me. The little bastard.

Strangely, I never saw my friend again – the one who’d helped me move. We were planning to become a family and he had suddenly disappeared back into the blue from which he’d come. Not a sound from him. Nothing. “Everywhere I go, children die…” Had he failed to kill me or my children and left in frustration, to find some other poor, weak soul to mess with? I still wonder if he was an angel, rescuing me from hell, or a demon, trying to take me there with him. I’ll never know. Of course, that whole demon episode could have had nothing whatsoever to do with him, but it’s much more entertaining to look at it from that angle.

I’ll bet you’re wondering how this is a movie review. Well, here’s the review: Demons are real. Watch the documentary, Dear Zachary, and you’ll see another example of how a demon worms its way in and f**kin people up. It is the true story of a demon who kills a really good man, and then has his child. The movie proceeds to show what happens when the grandparents of that child try to save their grandson from the demon. It is some f**ked up tragic shit, it is a true life horror story, and it’s told with gut-wrenching beauty. By the end of it, you will believe in demons. I know I do.

“I want to hear you beg for your life”
~Tony Goldwyn as John Collinwood.

Director Dennis Iliadis brings back a Wes Craven classic tale of suspense and revenge that is every bit as emotion filling as the original.

The Collingwoods are vacationing at their lake house in the woods, far away from the hustle and bustle of the city where Dr John Collingwood works at a hospital. Of course Mari wants to hang out with her friend instead of ger parents and goes into the small town to do so.

her Friend paige strikes up conversation with a kid about their own age and they end up going to the motel room he is staying and smoking some weed. Enter real trouble when the kid’s father, GF, and uncle return as they are wanted by the police for crimes that are never disclosed.

A ride in the SUV that Mari’s parents let her borrow becomes even more suspenseful when they get to the woods and both girls are tortured and paige gets killed after they try to get away and cause the felons to crash.

How unlucky is it to stumble up to the very people’s house daughter you just shot in the back in a lake nearby and they fing out what you’ve done?

There are NO Academy Awards going to be doled out for this but you might recognize the Good Doctor gtom his role as the bad guy in “Ghost”.

There are two deaths in the first five minutes and it gets a little slow action wise for a bit BUT there is Knife FU, Claw Hammer FU, and even Broken Microwave FU!!

I give it three thumbs up though.

                Caution, this does contain spoilers.

                The gist was I thought it was a great book. It took me only a weekend to plow through, which says a lot. You can tell I write at about a fourth grade level-doody-so reading any book written higher can be somewhat a challenge. Plus, there were only a few pictures, and just a few words containing 7 or more letters.

                I should warn you now, that this post does contain spoilers, again. So if you haven’t read the book or still want to see the movie, please stop reading now. I will go off topic for another paragraph or so, but then the cat will be out of the bag. You’ve been warned.

                I need to state up top that I might not be the most objective reviewer on this one. Well, geez, that’s really no way to entice you to read on any further, now is it? First, I am in the odd position of seeing a movie of a book that I already read. The few books I do seem to manage to read never get made into movies. I feel that puts me into the snobby class of having read the book, and now will compare it to the movie. Like everyone else in the theater is a dullard who can’t read and decided to just drag their lazy, illiterate ass to the theater. I will also be undoubtedly biased as well. You see, my precious Bauer is a yellow Lab that looks a lot like Marley. So it’s damn near impossible to not see a lot of Bau in Marley’s actions.

                OK, seriously, you’ve been warned. If you don’t want to know about the book and movie, stop reading now. Sure, you can make the argument why I have to give away key plot points. But I think it’s vital to my story. Plus, I am sacrificing Bauer time to write this, and I am sure he would be pretty pissed if he knew I was writing about seeing a dog movie, and not playing with him.

                The book chronicles a couple from marriage to having kids, jobs, moving, dreams, heartbreak, etc. The lifecycle of the dog allows this to happen. And by lifecycle I mean from adoption to, well, yea, that…. I remember reading the book. I had gotten further ahead than my wife. As the pages wound down, it was clear what was going to happen. I was reading it in the living room. I knew I wasn’t going to make it, so I discreetly excused myself to our bedroom, where I could finish the book in peace. And also because my wife wouldn’t see me cry. Yes, I admit it, I cried (and snotted) at the end. Because it hit me as a dog owner, a Yellow Lab owner, that, God one day I will be in this situation. I just cannot imagine it (there’s a lump in my throat as I write this now). And to read this guy so eloquently describing it was devastating. Here was a book that not only made me laugh out loud, but now made me cry. It’s pretty fricking powerful for the written word to do that. Yea, OK, so I give away Marley buys it. But it factors in later on for me.

                It was mixed emotions that I had when I found out it was going to be a movie. Now I can live with Jennifer Anniston. I don’t think she’s horrible. I did see one movie she did where she worked at a cosmetic counter in a small, dumpy department store. It was one of those real quiet, could be happening anywhere/to anyone kind of deals. Well, the first half was, but then she ends up sleeping with like 3 different guys or something. But she was very watchable in it. But when I found out Owen Wilson was going to the main character, o man.

                I don’t like Owen Wilson. Maybe it’s because I think he is a bad actor. Maybe because in the thankfully few movies I’ve seen him in, he plays the exact same character. Maybee it’ss the wayyy he seemms to slowllly roll outtt hiss speechhh that annoys the crap out me of. Maybe it’s his nasty gnarled up nose. Maybe it’s because I’ve never seen him and Ellen Degeneres in the same room at the same time. Maybe it’s because he tried to kill himself after dating Kate Hudson. Kate Hudson! I was not enthused to hear him screwing up the movie.

                The previews start to come out, and lo and behold it looks watchable. The clips look funny. Again, maybe it’s because my dog looks and acts like Marley. (And yes, I know every dog owner will say that now.) I decide to stay away from it. I want to go see it and decide it’s worthiness for myself. I tried to stay away. But I would read something online (stuff like if they are running this many commercials for it, it must suck), or Howard would talk about it (Beth seeing it and saying it was just OK.) Who knew ignorance would be so damn hard? But like I said, I liked what I saw in the clips I saw. And when it makes $51 mill in its first week, there must be something to it. So on a Tuesday afternoon, we went to see the flick.

                I only have one goal for the entire duration of the movie. Two, actually. 1) Don’t drink so much of the bucket of Diet Coke that I will have to pee in the middle of the movie. And 2) and MOST IMPORTANT do NOT freaking cry in a movie theater.

It opens up with Wilson drawling his monologue over the scene. Yea, I’d be Marley running away, too, if I had to listen to this dolt drawl onall day. Already, I find myself comparing the movie to the book. Which is funny, because I have very little memory of much of the book. I mean, I can identify the parts that are clearly movie, and the parts from the book. But there are some parts that I’m not sure if they were in the book.

                Halfway through the movie, I fail in one of my 2 missions. I have to pee. At least I could have drank all my Diet Coke and whizzed in the cup, but I couldn’t even do that. At least I pick a scene with no Marley.

                It becomes clear that we hit a point that the end will start creeping in. GODDAMN IT! I am sniffling! But this is the fake-out, there is still life left! What a wuss I am. I start snotting too. I disgust myself.

                OK, we’re really hitting the beginning of the end now. And why o why, does the movie theater pick this time to send someone through the theater? There is the guy, walking around with one of those glowing orange cones like he’s trying to land a plane. I fully expect him to come right up to me and yell, “Are you crying? There’s no crying in my movie theater. Get yer pansy ass out of here, you disgust me.” I think it’s dawning on people now that Marley will not make it out of the movie alive. We’re getting to a key scene where it is spelled out for the Neanderthals.

                It is about here I fail at my second mission. Damn, I can feel that tear slowly leak from my left eye. I am sniffling. I know this is coming. I try to choke down more soda so I won’t be sniffling and tearing as much. It’s a pretty dramatic scene, between John taking him to the vet, making the decision and being there for the result. Goddamn, did something get into my eye here? I will give the movie credit, as they made up some stuff to make the scene more dramatic and heartfelt.

                John tells Marley that he was never the world’s worst dog. “No Marley,” he tells his fading buddy,” you’re a great dog.” I often tell Bauer that, too. I just don’t call him Marley, because that would confuse the guy.

                My sleeves are now covered up in the various goo leaking from my facial area. I really feel for the John character, not because Owen is slightly less cardboard here. I really identify with the guy as dog owner. They use music here excellently, a bunch of strings that slowly arch higher and higher until Marley shuts his eyes for the last time.

                Sniff, and the sound of a few tears falling. Wow, pretty powerful. There’s a few more scenes, but this was the first movie I can remember in a long time that when the movie was over, actually got applause from the crowd. Of course, while they were clapping, I was making sure it didn’t look like I was affected at all. Black heart, man, black heart. Man, all the death I’ve seen in movies, all the notable, historical, iconic deaths didn’t touch me, but this Marley one makes me sniff and stuff.

                So I would give this movie a solid thumbs up. It’s a fair representation of the book. I think it works, even if you haven’t read the book. It’s one of those rare movies where I don’t feel like I got ripped off for seeing it in the movie theaters. Even if you don’t like dogs, I’d imagine you would like this movie.

 If this movie didn’t have the book standing behind it, it would have flopped in the box offices with out a doubt.  I hate to write bad reviews but I think that Hardwicke absolutely did not do any justice to the novel and got away like a bandit with the large gross of money from loyal Twilight fans.

I am honestly happy that they have already decided to make the new director that of “The Golden Compass” and “About a Boy” fame, I have yet to be extremely disappointed with any of Wietz work.

But back to Hardwick’s interpretation of the novel; Some things she got right - for the most part - she did excellent casting with Edward, Alice, and the rest of the Cullen crew. The atmosphere, props, and stage setting were excellent.

but the editing! Oh the editing! and the placing of which music where was sometimes just ridiculous and matched to close toward “made for TV drama” that it totally took away, not only the magic of Stephenie Meyer, but the hard-work that I’m sure was exerted by many people for this film.

and my last gripe: Kirsten Stewart as Bella - just plain sucked, she lacks emotion on so many levels - and also parades around smoking bongs in public. (Not a good role model for teen readers!)

The chemistry between all the characters were pretty spot on and her soundtrack is pretty great -

Regardless of my disappointment with Twilight the movie, I am hoping that eclipse and new moon get knocked out of the ballpark with both the budget, talent, and special effects! I cannot wait for all the characters of Twilight to come alive. Especially Breaking Dawn!!!!

Yay!