Yep, and if you believe that, you probably still leave milk and cookies out for Santa Clause every year too. Whoever the fuck came out with this saying must have been a fucking masochist because all telling the truth does is gets you in MORE trouble.

“Why yes Officer, I was aware that I was speeding through that school zone. I was paying more attention to where the fuck that joint I dropped went than I was to the speed limit.” and the fucker will have you out of the car, face down on the pavement shining his jack boots up on the back of your skull. You react with complete astonishment and go, “Oh My God, the accelerator stuck and I couldn’t get the thing into neutral before it took off like it had been fired out of a Howitzer.” He gives you that look like he knows you’re full of shit and says that he’ll cut you a break and only write the ticket for doing 75 in a 35 zone. “Consider yourself lucky, because in this state anything thirty miles over the posted limit is an arrest able offense and those always come with a heaping helping of nightstick and Taser surprise.

Cops just love to tell the stories that the offender comes out with while they are throwing down a shitload of Budweiser and Jim Beam after work. Who really wants to hear about the guy that confessed to running a stop sign and speeding through the neighborhood when the one about the guy that was getting road head and swerved out in front the cruiser is much more colorful?

They say that honesty is what makes a relationship work also. I have to tell you that is complete bullshit. Only a woman would say for you to be honest, because then she will have shit to bring up in every fight you ever have from here to eternity. Fidelity makes a relationship work. Honesty goes right the fuck out the window when your woman asks, “Does this make me look fat?” If you say anything but, “I don’t think the weatherman said anything about rain at all today, Honey.” You are about to get your fucking ears torn apart from the inside out. LIE now. Lie your fucking ass off. Tell her how she could wear a fucking potato sack and look like the sexiest woman on the planet. You will either do this without hesitation or be doomed to a life of pure unadulterated Hell from which the only redemption is to buy her a Sports Car. Even then she’ll ask you why you took a chance that her big, giant, behemoth, ass would fit in such a teeny, tiny little eighty thousand dollar car.

Men and women lie about different things to each other. Men go out to the strip club so they can treat the hotties there like a piece of meat and then come home and tell their lady, “No really, I was out having a couple of cold ones with the Boys.” He really was out with the boys, but they were in different parts of the club with different women taking their money, so technically that really wasn’t as much of a lie as it was an omission of unneeded information.

When women lie it is something more along the lines of “It’s your Baby!”

I would have missed out on many hours of joy if my mother had not given me a puppy (Friskers) to play with.

My teeth would still be a mess if my mother had not made me wear braces.

I would never have become a lifeguard if my mother had not arranged for swimming lessons.

I would not have become friends with many of my favorite people if my mother had not introduced me to tennis, fencing and dancing.

I would never have gone to college if my mother had not expected it.

I could go on and on…

You can see more photos by Mountain Dude at www.dporterdvd.com

A day off.

A word of advice for all you well-meaning guys out there. Don’t waste your time giving gifts that don’t involve time off for mom. And DON’T expect her to pack the picnic basket on “your” mother’s day picnic plans for her. Especially if you’re thinking you might get some “romantic” fringe bennies out of the deal.

I never met a mother who didn’t want a day off for mothers day.

I never met a guy that didn’t expect some action after dinging around with BS like flowers on Mothers Day (and every other holiday).

You want to make the mother of your (or someone else’s) children really happy? Give her a day off. A babysitter and a gift certificate to a spa would be ideal.

(just my opinion, and possibly one of the many reasons I got divorced)

You know I can’t believe how lazy most people have gotten. What’s even more amazing is the fact that they can come up with thousands of excuses as to justify spending more time on the couch! Even the people that supossedly have “healthy lifestyles” are still lazy as hell. On that note how in the hell can you have a healthy lifestyle and eat everything OUT OF A BOX!

People that say that they don’t have time to cook are well just full of it! They are everyone has time to cook, they don’t because they want to be lazy. Hey that’s fine with me just admit it and we can move on. That’ll never happen because these people are nothing if not masters of excuses. At work one time I got a person I work with to a lovely shade of vermilion just by calmly proving and re-proving to her every time that yes she did in fact have time to cook.

I’ll prove it here to! Let’s take a average American family Husband Wife and let’s say three kids. The kids are Billy 12, Jamie 10 and Kerry 7 just for the sake of argument oh and both of the parents work. Let’s also say that each of the three kids are involved with three extracurricular activities each. Because the parents have that annoying trend of making sure that their kids experience everything. Even though the child has never once expressed ANY interest in any of the activities.

Now through the week I’ll stipulate that yes there really isn’t enough time to cook breakfast. Fourtunatly Cheerios are pretty healthy. On the weekends however you should always have time for a real breakfast.

So let’s say that the dad starts work at seven in the morning and works till three so he can be home when the kids get home Mom on the other hand works from 9 to 6. So the kids trottle off to school and the school day ends. However Billy has little league right after school and the other two come home on the bus. At 4 Jamie has dance class and at 4:30 Kerry has karate. Then Dad has to rush over to the school and get Billy so he can be at Piano class at 5:00. Then it’s back to pick up Jamie and Kerry and take both of them to pottery class. Mom picks up Billy and Dad gets high on terracotta fumes. The family is back with each other at I’ll say 6:30. Pretty busy day right. Now one of them we’ll either open up a box for dinner or stop at KFC or Boston Market or at worst Burger King. When asked why didn’t they cook they’ll say we didn’t have time. By the schedule you’d think they were right well their not!

There’s at least two to three opportunities to cook something far healthier than out of a box. First off the morning Mom could get up and put something like a roast or a chicken in a slow cooker for the day and it’d be ready by the time you got home. Don’t worry a slow cooker is designed to be left on even when your not there. Another great thing to make is Slow-Cooker Chili. Then with just a few vegetables that would take about 10 minutes they’d have dinner at 6:40 OR when they all get back do something that every family should do and that’s make dinner together. Billy Jamie and Kerry can each do a job in the kitchen. If you do that most meals can be done in 30 minutes. And their eating a fresh healthy meal at seven. 2 hours to digest and its off to bed at nine. My how hard was that.

If you want go check out www.warcorpse666.blogspot.com for my growing list of recipes

I’m not sure how many of you know but a few days ago Rebecca Sue Taylor tried to sell her infant son for 10 grand to Leigh Burr. She apparently needed the money for a new apartment. Now Burr had contacted Taylor about becoming a surrogate for her. Instead of that Taylor decided that she needed the money today and offered to sell her baby for 10 grand. Later Rebecca lowered the price for her son to 5 grand. My what a devoted mother.

Now if what I just wrote wasn’t bad enough do you know what the penalty is for doing something like this. A 100 to 2500 dollar fine and or 1 to 5 years in prison. THAT’S IT! For trying to sell her own infant son the maximum this woman could face is 2500 dollars and maybe 5 years but I’m sure she’ll get parole in a fraction of that time. Doesnt something just seem wrong with this. I don’t know maybe it’s just me.

this is the end I just can’t do this anymore. I’ve just finally run out of bullshit. I’m tired of it aren’t you tired of it. I’m tired of one side on an issue always ignoring facts that don’t help their cause. I’m sick and tired of environmentalists thinking that corporations and big business are destroying the precious fabric of earth. Big Business is some of the largest recyclers out there but I’m also sick of the bullshit reason people believe them! The companies don’t do it out of some morale imperative to save the earth, they do it to make MONEY! Why in the hell would you throw something away when there’s another company that will buy it!

I’m tired of the stupid bullshit things that people flip out about. We’ve got a recession on, no one can find a job, Health insurance is non existent or at best a broken pile of shit of course that doesnt matter because no one has money for even a Minute Clinic visit. People are losing their homes the crime rate is going up Our freedoms are being taken away to thunderous applause and are we outraged by it HELL NO! Why because gasp! Lindsy Lohan broke up with her girlfriend and Mel Gibson is divorcing his wife! And gays want to get married oh dread! How can anyone say that Madonna not being able to adopt kid number 23 is a bigger deal to the world then the war going on!

I’m also tired of the bullshit that surrounds the school systems and the kids that infest it! The school is a public place that I keep shoveling more and more money into to help educate the kids! Guess what thanks to all of the bullshit the kids keep getting DUMBER! It’s not really the kids fault because they’re never challenged. Why because  when you challenge someone’s abilities you run the risk of them failing. We can’t have that in schools now can we! We all know how soul crushing it is  not to do something perfectly the first time. Then who really gets it the worst are the smart kids. We can’t separate them because that’s exclusionary and would make the majority of kids feel dumber and left out. We can’t get the class harder because that would make most of the other kids actually think for a minute! Do you lovers of bullshit really think that a person’s emotional center can be forever destroyed because of elementary school! Your assigning the kids way more self awareness then they’re capable of!

I’m sick and tired of the bullshit surrounding the fact that we can’t say anything or have any sort of zest for life because it might be offensive to one in ten-thousand people! You know what if you people would come out of the bubble of bullshit that you’ve built for yourself for just a few seconds you’d see that they’re just words they can’t hurt you. They only hurt you if you let them, alone words are meaningless. No word has the power to kill or to wreck some one’s life, day or even the fifteen minutes after he heard it. All the bullshit surrounding all the so-called hateful words is just that bullshit! Once you stop giving a shit what people say then everyone will see just how fast the so called hateful or offensive words lose any power. You don’t even need words to offended people and wreck your life. A photo of you on MySpace or Facebook have a drink with friends at a bar can keep you from a job, which is just stupid. Why in the hell dose someone going for let’s say a administrative assistant job need to worry about what they do in their off time. The bullshit lovers trying to take away any sort of fun that people want to have.

I’m also sick of the bullshit about how no one can take personnel responsibility for their actions. I’m talking about all the people that spouted the popular “predatory lending” there’s no such thing. It’s just another bunch a bullshit and I’ll prove it. No one held a gun to these people’s heads and made them sign the ARM loan now did they. They had all the time in the world to sign the loan or to have a lawyer look it over. Then to make matters worse instead of cutting back on expenses what did they do instead they went and just busted out their platinum VISA didn’t they. Now before they knew it they’re in over their head and bankruptcy and ruin are just around the corner. At any time we’re these people forced to buy all the shit they didn’t really need. Did they have to get a car every three years No they didn’t

The exception to that is the poor bastard that get laid off because the failing banks remove their line of credit and that spells the end for most companies. So he’s saved for a rainy day but with no jobs that dries up quick and then everything in his life begins to go down hill. To him I say first call your mortgage company and explain the situation. Trust me more and more companies are letting payments go for longer and longer. Then after that I’ll buy the drinks. 

One last pile of Bullshit that I just can’t deal with anymore is the fact that why can’t men be proud to be men anymore. WHY! Oh we can be men alright just the watered down subtle weak version the feminists want. I mean I’ll give you an example if a woman goes out and sets up a club for women or a gym for women or a event celebrating womanhood every one’s just fine with it. However if I set up an event for men or centered around men there would be such a public outcry from NOW and NAW that it would probably end with me getting lynched.

That’s not even going into if i dared set up a club for guys to hang out and shoot the shit. The only requirement for membership is that you are a man that’s it. Race age creed religious belief or even gay or straight wouldn’t matter. It would be shut down in two weeks by the court for discrimination yet women can do that now can’t they especially lesbian bars. Please explain the equality and fairness in that.

That’s all the bullshit I can talk about now get back to this in a part 2 or I’ll go into it on my Warcorpse666 YouTube Channel.

President Gloria Arroyo said that despite the exports’ slowdown and the rising layoffs, the Philippines will remain outside the scope of global financial crisis; however, with the successive company closures; massive layoffs; arrival of the unemployed Overseas Filipino Workers (OFWs); and the freeze hiring of Filipino workers abroad; this stand of Arroyo is nothing but crap.

After 35 years of staying in the Philippines, Intel, the world’s biggest creator of microprocessor, closed its company, resulting to 1, 800 unemployed Filipino workers.

Motorola Inc. in the Philippines recently cut its labor force.

Levi Strauss, the US major jeans company in Manila will close its company at the end of July, 2008 and will terminate 257 workers.

Asahi Glass Philippines, the local unit of Japanese Asahi Glass Company will phase out its operations this year.

Jackson Gan, vice president of Federated Association of Manpower Exporters (FAME) confirmed the freeze hiring of OFWs.

Australia, Bhutan, Canada, and Taiwan were badly affected by the economic fall of the United States. These effects resulted to the unexpected onset of the unemployed OFWs – the arrival that adds up to the burden of unemployment in the country.

Unemployment is just one of the marks of global crisis in the Philippines. Joblessness means no money; no money, no purchase power; no purchase power means a dead economy. Are we still outside the curtains of global financial crisis?

Indeed, Filipinos are living in a world of irony intricately woven by the Arroyo administration. With her numerous speeches, PGMA promised millions of jobs, but where are the “million jobs”?

Filipinos could not live by craps — promises or the citations of goals — alone. The Filipino people need nothing but the realizations of these promises.

76% of Filipino adults say they understand spoken English; 75% say they read English; 61% say they write in English; 46% say they speak English; 38% say they think in English; while 8% say they are not competent in any way when it comes to the English language.

Every year we are faced with survey results of Filipino’s English competency. With the presentations of these results, are we also informed why we have to be competent in English?

Today, labels of basic commodities from sacks of rice to the cheapest candies found in groceries even in sari-sari stores are in English. If you couldn’t understand English then you might die of poisoning or might misuse a medicine and impair an illness.

English is programmed in today’s technological advancements such as laptops, flash disks, MP4s and digital cameras. You want to manipulate and maximize the use of your gadgets? Consult your manuals, and how are instructions written? In English.

They say that if you’re a foreigner, you have to know the laws of the land. How many Filipinos are caught or fall to accident because of ignorance? We aren’t foreigners but it’s as if we were. Signs, rules, and regulations of establishments such as schools, malls, and government offices are written in English.

In the academe, references that feed the world with the latest advancements in the different fields are mostly written in English. In the internet, few websites are in Filipino. Even government websites that are supposed to give us access to what was happening in the Philippines are in English. How could you extract knowledge and even enjoy those references if you couldn’t understand what it says? With these situations, it is no doubt that English proficient students outshine the others.

“English means jobs,” assumed Rick Santos president of American Chamber of Commerce in the Philippines.

In the professional sector, being competent in English is an edge. Why? From resumes, application forms and letters, to the interview and reports (financial, medical, etc.) to be submitted are required in English. Even phone calls in offices need to be in English.

To be able to produce not only locally but also globally competitive work force, a key factor (except for skills because those are prerequisites) is a good command and understanding of English.

Cards are all laid. Without being competent in English, how will you survive this modern world and age?

I know what you’re all thinking (half of you). “The best exercise in the world is watching TV…”

The other half is thinking something along the lines of “Hmmm, what designer wear should I put on to go down to the gym?”

Let’s face it, none of you give a crap about exercise. You just do it to show off your fancy clothes. Minnesotans, I’m writing to you now because first of all, I got attacked by a designer-gear wearing freak at Willow River State Park last winter, for walking on the wrong part of the path. All I was doing (besides exercising) was trying to stay as far off the path as I could, (to let the cross-country-skiers pass), and this designer-clad stress-basket went off on me for being in his way. How was I supposed to know that those park pathways are friggin’ freeways in the wintertime, with their own set of driving, sledding, walking, skiing, and snowshoeing rules? (On a side note; I can’t believe people actually snowshoe for fun. There’s something wrong with that. I mean, don’t you have to walk with your feet spread about two feet apart in those things? Is that enjoyable? I can see snowshoeing if you were starving and you had to go hunting back in the olden days in four feet of snow in the middle of winter to feed your family, but for a pleasant walk through a state park, where the snow has already been well-packed by all the psycho skierboys in tights? What is up with that? Anyways…not the best exercise.)

There are a large portion of people all over the world who believe that shopping is the best exercise in the world. I disagree. Shopping is too d*mn stressful to be good for you, and I believe that fundamentally, exercise should be good for you. I used to consider shopping meditation, but here (where people plan everything from their meat buying to their campsite reservation a whole YEAR in advance, shopping could very well give you a heart attack, and it is not fun at all. I know a girl who buys meat twice a year (by the truckload) because she gets a better deal. Whatever. What she saves in meat per pound I’m sure she more than makes up for in her electric bill. Not to mention paying off that massive freezer that she put on her credit card. And who the hell plans a camping trip a YEAR in advance? Are you people crazy? I am a camperaholic and I don’t even do that. How can you bloody well know you’re going to feel like camping on this particular weekend exactly one year from today???

Minnesotans, you’ve ruined shopping for me. Even if it was the best exercise in the world, I can’t keep up with you.

Which leads me to the original question: what exactly is the best exercise in the world? Before I answer that, I’ll name my criteria for any exercise to even be considered to be do-able (let alone the best).

1. It has to be fun. If it’s not fun, I’ll never do it.

2. It has to be challenging. You have to be able to improve your skills over time. This eliminates walking. Walking is walking. No one can get better at walking, unless they’ve lost their ability to walk and have to start from scratch. But that’s a whole nuther deal.

3. It HAS to de-stress you and leave you feeling happier than when you started. This is the whole point of exercise, as far as I’m concerned. To feel better, happier and healthier. This eliminates pretty much everything that is considered exercise (with the exception of walking, which I’ve already eliminated).

4. Running should be against the law. This has nothing to do with anything, but I just felt that it needed to be stated.

5. It should require no special talents or skills. Anyone should be able to do it.

6. It should not require designer gear (or any gear whatsoever). This eliminates swimming and anything that requires purchasing gear (as in skiing, biking, snowboarding, tennis, badminton, baseball, football, etc etc etc.)

So what is it? Ok. No one laugh. This is not only the BEST exercise in the world, but it’s the MOST FUN thing to do. It will make you feel GREAT when you’re doing it and even better when you’re done. It’s great cardiovascular, great for every muscle group, impossible to do without laughing, and allows you to improve and develop your skills over time.

Without further ado, I’d like everyone to put on a pair of sweats or jeans (you don’t even have to change out of your work clothes if you don’t want to) and run, (or drive) down to your local park, playground, or back yard, and swing!

Don’t forget that you can pump with both your legs and your arms, (interchangeably) for a full body work-out, and DON’T forget to try to jump off in mid-air, starting out slow and safe, and work up to the highest point that you can reach. And when you’re done swinging as hard and high as you can, for as long as you can, then flop down in the grass on your back and stare at the sky until your heart stops pounding.

That’s it folks: the BEST exercise in the whole world is swinging! And don’t let the fact that you’re an old fart get in the way; no one cares, and if they do, to hell with them!

Warcorpse here talking about something that if you think about it for to long you’ll get a guaranteed migraine. All these fat people that sit and first off bitch about their weight while they’re sitting on the couch sucking down a Ho-Ho. Blaming everything from society to the media to the goddamn restaurants themselves for their weight problem. What’s even more aneurysm causing are these parents groups that get the schools to serve bland tasteless food because it needs to be healthyer for their fat ass kids. Then the third group that say they want to eat healthy but by nothing but TV Dinners, Frozen Pizza and other assorted Garbage. When confronted they say I don’t have time to cook. Really dinner should only take twenty to thirty minutes you don’t have that long!

To the people that sit there and blame everything I have one thing to say. NO ONE IS PUTTING A GUN TO YOUR HEAD AND FORCE FEEDING YOU DOUGHNUTS! You people are the ones going to restaurants and ordering all three courses for yourselves. Your the ones that go to buffets and eat for two goddamn hours. Your the ones that go to the grocery store and buy nothing but boxed or canned heavly processed instant meals. And your the ones who think that cooking begins and ends with the MICROWAVE!

Now does it end there hell no! You snack at least three times a day, drink soda by the gallon, won’t think about going to the gym after the month of January and generally round out the day by sitting on your couch watching all the safe programming on TV and slurping down all the ice cream you can handle. Then you try and tell me that it’s NOT your fault that you can barely get behind the wheel of your car . Here’s a thought try a salad, go see your doc, get on a exercise program, and you know what the pounds will FALL off! I know that’s not what the fat pride group wants to do but that’s another article

Now to the parents that are wrecking school lunches and even the goddamn bake sales, enough already. First off lunch is the one goddamn meal that you can eat like shit and still get away with it. Because you still have several hours to burn off the calories. Secondly most children can eat whatever they want because their metabolisms are burning at a hundred miles an hour and most of them are a hell of alot more active than their PARENTS. Third and most important school serves the kids ONE MEAL! you parents serve them the other TWO PLUS ALL THE SNACKS! If your kid is over-weight and he asks for cookies as a snack say NO! I know that’s a foreign word to most parents but it’s a great way of combating childhood obesity. Having the PARENTS step up and tell the lard ass kid NO!!!

It’s not McDonalds or Burger King’s fault your kids are fat its YOURS. Last time I checked the parents took them to McDonalds and PAID for the Happy meal. They’re kids they don’t have fucking jobs to buy shit with. Plus parents it’s really hard for a kid to eat healthy when mom and dad are sucking down the cookies to. Also if you want them to eat healthy stop giving them crap,  they’re kids they won’t starve after a day or two they’ll eat. It takes an adult brain to be able to starve yourself. One last little thing about the parents that got the bake sale to be healthy… SHUT THE FUCK UP! Cookies will never be healthy.

Lastly the third group that wants to eat healthy but says they don’t have time to cook and so they buy a Hormel ready-made Meatloaf, two packs of Bob Evans Mashed potatoes, A pack of Green Giant steam vegetables and a large jar of gravy and call it “dinner”. Then they sit there and wonder why their weight keeps going up and more so wonder why they’re to tired to cook. Here’s a thought, did you ever think the junk you’re eating is keeping you TIRED! Maybe if ate some REAL FOOD you’d feel better and have a little more energy. Folks healthy eating does not come from a PRE-MADE BOX! LEAN CUISINE IS NOT PART OF A HEALTHY DIET!

And don’t tell me you don’t have time to cook everyone does if you’ll just have to sacrafice the twenty minutes of American Idol and if you put a TV in the kitchen that problems finished. Fourtuently for everyone the old Warcorpse loves to cook and I’m compiling a list of recipes. They’re not particularly light but it is REAL FOOD! No pre-made bullshit!

So i think this proves that for every 1 fat person that is over-weight related to a medical problem that can’t be controlled through medication there’s 999 that are a  result of pure laziness or stupidity. Laziness is the reason I’m a bit overweight myself. I just don’t make bull-shit excuses for it. Okay America now it’s time to either do something about it or stop crying about it!

More from Warcorpse HERE