How to make your ex boyfriend return is nоt hard at аll but at thе ѕаme time you can make іt hard on yоur оwn. Here’s whаt I wоuld likе you tо to, read this informative article as it haѕ valuable information that сan help yоu win your ex boyfriend right back. I knоw that you landed hеre bеcausе you arе loоking at getting your еx man right back. Listed hеre іs sоmе proven strategies on hоw beѕt to make him keep coming back.

Initially of а relationship, it lоokѕ likе love iѕ all оvеr you. I know that appears lіkе a 60’s song or possibly The Mary Tyler Moore Show theme song, but it holds true.

First, let’s look аt the tips on what to do and what never to dо to gеt уour еx right back.

First of аll, I do nоt want yоu to focus on all thаt advice given оut thеre аbоut get ex right back. The thing you nеed at thіs time just isn’t general information оn hоw to gеt еx right back but information that’s specific on hоw best to make him keep coming back, Specific information that’s geared tоwаrds helping women win theіr ex boyfriends right back. I’ll dispose off several methods for уоu here. The fіrst thing that i suggest you dо would bе to consider if уou really would lіke hіm back? You thіnk he is wonderful fоr you? Was he abusive? Did that hе cheat you? Have yоu been looking to gеt him back because уоu ѕaw him with another woman? are yоu lооking for revenge оr you do care for him and that іѕ whу you are lоoking at gettіng hіm right back?

Virtually еverу woman hаs experienced a breakup with the onе they love during sometime within thеіr life. Usually you hаvе juѕt decided it’s а good idea for уоu tо move ahead. But there’s always any рartіcular onе time when уоu nееd to gеt ex straight back, he cоuld be the love of уоur life, yоur soul mates.

The key to gеt еx right back iѕ staying calm and rational, keep your emotions in check, and bе positive. You wіll gеt еx right back!

The reason behind which mау be your еx actually іs doing it on purpose, јust to helр yоu to ѕее you аgаin and possibly keep іn touch wіth you. With the proper approach you could possibly find оut how tо get еx rear into your daily life.

Have yоu beеn surprise that уоu bump in to your ex partner frequently at different places as wеll as уоur ex does not seam to mind to seе you again?

Making him come back starts bу yоu implementing theѕe strategies that i have distributed to you. Now am perhaps not ѕaуіng this is all that’s neсeѕѕаrу to make hіm want уоu straight back, There arе lots of other activities you аre аble to learn at nо cost if yоu follow thе links bеlow this short article. As a rule оf thumbs up, you should be yourself and understand that break-ups аrе part оf relationships. You aren’t аlonе and уоu simply have tо knоw how to deal wіth the specific situation accessible. I’d lіkе you to state thiѕ loud; I am gоing tо gеt my ex right back beсаuse I care fоr him, Say іt loud and stay positive.

So I am a single mother of 1 and I have this friend that is 12yrs older than me (a man) and he is totally in love with me. He has begged me before to be with him and I kept telling him NO! We have gotten in to many fights because he is so persistant of making me his woman. He is in my opinion fat, lazy, perverted and thinks he knows everything. He hasn’t worked in over 20yrs…he sits back and collects money because his family owns a casino on an indian reservation. Yes he owns his own home and he is pretty intelligent but he is totally not my type. He’s perverted and always has some kind of sexual comment to say to me. He’s always arguing with his friends because he always has to have the last word, oh and did I mention he’s always right??? Anyway, I have had some idiots as boyfriends but haven’t we all? So he’s always telling me he’s the best thing that ever walked into my life. He sits at his computer all day (litterally) or on his couch or he’s over at his friends getting drunk. He doesn’t clean his house, he lets dust and dog hair sit forever! He doesn’t shower everyday and complains about his back hurting. Well if he wasn’t so fat and lazy he wouldn’t have that problem!!! Not only that but one day he watched my daughter on a day she had to go to school so I could help my dad and he couldn’t even walk her to school because he’s so lazy!!! So she missed 3 days of school. If his back hurt that bad why doesn’t he get checked out by a doctor? Plus if his back hurt why can he ride his bike, bend over, stand for long periods?? Instead of spending 1,300 on a gold mine and equipment he should use that $$$ to see a doc! He doesn’t even have his license!!! Then he makes comments that if he ever gets a woman she would have to work!!! Are you kidding me!!! He shouldn’t expect anything from anyone he isn’t willing to do himself. So to get down to it, my main issue is him logging into my facebook and other things to check up on me. I used his comp a few times and I made sure I logged out of my accounts before exiting the site. Low and behold he logged into them and addmitted it, like it’s funny! Then he let me borrow one of his computers and when he came over he was checking the history to see where i’ve been. What is it with this guy???? It’s getting to the point where i’m becoming paranoid. Thats not cool. I haven’t been answering his phone calls cause talking to him makes me sick! What do you think???

This is about something that I am generally experiencing quite a bit in my life.  The title is an acronym: No One Gives A ____ (about that) Either.

Meaning, the more I care about something, the less anyone else gives a ____.   And the more other people generally care about things or value things, the less I do.  This is not based mainly on the observed level of value other people place on subjects, but more on the merits of the subjects themselves.

This is extremely frustrating because the result is that I don’t have a lot in common with anyone, and so keep trying to discuss or work on things, and being completely ignored or dismissed either because NOGAFATE, or because, on the basis of the lack of BS subject commonality, they just don’t GAF about me anymore.

The only way I know to avoid this is to pretend that the only thing I GAFA(bout) is one specific thing and go right the middle of a cult of those people after studying so much on that subject that I have an encyclopedia of knowledge and skills in that area.  Then, if I stay on the trendy topic in that area or engage in the intricate, nasty political manipulations of the group, people will GAF briefly.

What I have found is that I have a number of interests and perspectives which are generally outside of the mainstream (except for their cult followings) but apparently do not care about or know enough about any of them to be part of the cults, and either NOGAFE when I try to bring them up outside or even often inside of those groups.  Also these topics that interest me tend to involve problems or challenges that NOGAFAE even though they are very significant issues.

You see them everywhere people with signs and bible verse with sayings like Marriage IS one man and one woman, FAMILY IS A MOM AND A DAD and my personal favorite Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve plus all  the other ones these people come up with. Their mission is to stop two people from living their lives together and break up loving families because it’s an abomination of THEIR belief system. Their weapons are arguments like marriage is a sacred ancient institution between ONE man and ONE woman and it’s thousands of years old. That with out traditional families America will fall to ruin and the whole world will come crashing down around our ears. Well I’m hear to tell you the idea of marriage, monogamous marriage, one man one woman is a MAN MADE CROCK OF SHIT!!!

First off lets just deal with the idea of a single partner for the rest of your life. Some of these people would have you believe that one on one marriage is as old as the bible. That it’s a sacred institution formed by God himself. WRONG! Does anyone recall that passage in the bible where God had Adam and Eve stand side by side and say By the power given to me by me I now pronounce you man and wife I really don’t. Would everyone like the idea of monogamous relationships got introduced into Christianity. Let’s take a trip back to the time of Charlemagne. This guy was the shit he did more than anyone else to pull Europe out of the dark ages and get it back on track of science and learning. He was also a Christian and had 4 wives 27 concubines 46 mistresses and a large variety of dairy girls working the land outside of his castle. I mean this guy would put Wilt Chamberland to SHAME! Why could he get away with this that’s because there was NOTHING IN THE BIBLE that you could only have a relationship with one other person. That concept was introduced by Pope Leo a few years after Charlemagne’s death. He said that all coupling will be between one man and one woman. They will be married for life and have no others and that before they couple they will have to be joined in the eyes of the lord and of course this can only be accomplished by paying a fee to your local clergy.

Leviticus Oh yes chapter 22 of Leviticus well I don’t want to debate the bible all that much in this post all I’ll say is this. Did anyone bother to read the rest of Leviticus because you better throw out all of your dress shirts because it tells us in that chapter that you can’t wear cloth of two different threads. Also if you enjoy sweet corn in the summer than you’re going to hell because two different seeds sown together is right up there with man lying with man.

Without both a mother and a father children will grow up wrong and morally bankrupt leading them to a life of crime and sin. Well now isn’t this just silly and once again I can prove it. How many times do you hear, read or see a news story about some parent who did something horrible to their child and predominately guess what their a family with a dad and a mom. And how many times have you heard of a gay and lesbian couple doing that. I can recall ONE instance involving two lesbians beating the shit out of their kid. Now what’s the reason for this statistic well gay and lesbian parents are generally older and have really thought it out with their partner when they either adopt or have kids because there’s really no chance of them having a unwanted or unexpected pregnancy. Plus the rates of the kids raised by same sex parents going gay or lesbo is the exact same as kids raised by straight parents.

Gay marriage will cause divorce REALLY! I don’t know where they got this but divorce is not a new concept. Plus I don’t know what statistics you’re reading but the gay and lesbian community are actually not that large when compared with the rest of the US. I would actually be shocked if they made up more than 1 or 2 percent of the population

I think I’m going to stop here, there might be a part two I don’t really know. I just find it hypocritical that people use a religion that’s basic command is to love and have compassion forEVERYONE. To use that as a platform to deny people the same rights that you enjoy under the law is simply staggering. I mean didn’t Jesus spend his time healing the sick and helping the desperate. Didn’t he also embrace the prostitute Didn’t he embrace everyone no matter what! Here’s a thought READ THE DAMN BOOK BEFORE YOU USE THAT AS AN ARGUMENT! 

 A little about me is that I was raised with a mom and a dad, they were married a few years before I was born. I have a good relationship with both of them and they’re still together. I am not gay myself honestly I can’t even tell you what attracts women to men. Let alone a man to another man. I CAN tell you why a chick would want to screw another chick. Yet even though I’m straight and both my parents were together for all of my life I can still sit here and say to everyone who says marriage or family is One MAN one WOMAN is shoveling a great big CROCK OF SHIT!!!!

One last thing don’t hold back on comments if you feel that I’m wrong bring on the comments I’ll debate with anyone. If you have a web-cam and want to save time feel free to make a video to me on YouTube my user name there is the same on here

Warcorpse666

It’s been a while since I’ve been here to spread my insights of great ponderence, but this made me take pause and write.  So, a potentially racist situation goes down that results in a man’s arrest and Barack Obama immediately comes to the defense of his friend…Yale Professor of African Studies, Henry Louis Gates in the midst of the frey.

It has been an unnecessary crap storm if you will, that Obama has backed himself into regarding this incident having not been availed of the proper facts.  I’ve heard it said that there were mostly egos involved that got out of hand.  It is more a case of ONE ego, that of Professor Gates.  As the police reports have stated, Gates became belligerent the moment the white officer (there was also a black and Hispanic officer on the scene, as well) began asking routine questions that one would ask on a B&E (breaking and entering) call (i.e. Is there anyone else in the house? May we look around?, etc.).  These are all standard procedure for a call of this nature.  However, the YALE professor felt it beneath him to be questioned in any manner regarding suspicion of any kind. The “educated” and I believe correct response would have been…”Thank you for coming to my home when called in regard to something this serious. Certainly, you may check around. I’m happy to do whatever I can to help rectify any misunderstanding by the neighbor as well as the police department. In fact, I probably should thank the neighbor for his conscientiousness, as well.”

Instead, he was most likely irritable when the officers arrived, having been absent minded enough to lock himself out of his home. That disgruntled attitude (coupled with a predisposition toward racism as an African Studies Prof.) then manifest itself in the form of indignant arrogance toward an innocent officer who was simply trying to do his job.  In order for this to be even remotely considered racial profiling, Gates would have to have been randomly stopped.  This was a B&E call, plain and simple.  When the officer asked for Gates’ ID, he went ballistic prior to complying with the officer’s request. Then the officer was satisfied and began to leave with the other officers and Gates continued to berate and malign the officer all the way to the front door with racial epithets. The officer warned him to let it go and asked him to stand down.  Gates refused and the officer took out his cuffs and warned him a last time.  Gates, was relentless and as a result was arrested.  The only reason that the charges were dropped, in my opinion, is because not only was race introduced (by Gates) but also, because he is a high profile individual. It’s bad press for the department any way you look at it and the higher ups don’t need Obama’s camp looking down at their fair city.  They had no choice, even though it would have been a simple misdemeanor.

Adding insult to injury, Obama proceeded to call the officer “stupid” without having read even so much as a newsclipping on the incident.  The educated and proper response here, in my opinion, should have been…”I have not read the police report on the incident so, I won’t speculate and will reserve my comments until such time.”  His arrogance wouldn’t let him do that.  Instead, he chose to get out ahead of the situation and make it about defense of a friend over defense of the facts.

In closing, what this said to me is that both Gates and his buddy Barack arrogantly overstated their cases.  It continues to be revealed that Obama has some pretty outspoken friends (Rev. Wright, communist party devotees, etc.).  Being outspoken is not a bad thing in and of itself, mind you.  However, the destructive words of an outspoken person who is not intent on speaking words that teach, heal or inform for the progression and edification of the whole over self…is quite dangerous.  This further indicates to me that birds of a feather flock together. These “friends” of Obama’s that continue to pop up can only cause one to think…Who is the real man beneath the spit and polished President?  Is there an outspoken radical buried someplace deep down in there who thinks that every irresponsible, harsh and divisive situation can be excused and brushed off by simply sitting down and sharing a beer together?  Great idea, until the beer starts talking…then what?  Seriously, though, Obama and other educated black men such as himself have a huge responsibility to speak intelligently to such issues as racism…not perpetuate its destructiveness themsevles by viewing every given incident from a racially-motivate point of view absent of the facts.      

That’s my take.

Benman out!

Munyah: Kimbeng, I am sure the issues of race and racial bias have not gone unnoticed by you. In my opinion, racial bias gives us an indication of how humans have evolved socially. Having looked at history and looking at the relative intolerance of the different colored human beings on the different corners of the earth, I couldn’t, but agree and come to the conclusion that discrimination based on race or racial preference is a measuring rod of human social evolution.

Kimbeng: That I think is an overstatement because it ignores more complicated elements like personal preference, greed and even slavery. Racial bias is only rooted in history because of slavery and countries that have been less accepting of other colors of people do so only because of the historical impact of slavery.

Munyah: That is not true Kimbeng. Although racial discrimination might have been worsened by slavery, before slavery, before everything else, there existed racial discrimination. Slavery only resulted from the primitive evolution that existed at the time. As the human race evolved socially, slavery was abolished, but the primitive culture continued to resist the social evolution that was transforming the world. That discrimination although declining now, was pervasive and today, younger generations suffer from those effects socially.

Kimbeng: I do not I agree with that assessment Munyah. Slavery only came into existence because a group of people having developed slightly more superior weapons felt they could overpower other regions, take ownership of their men, wives and children and then enslave them for personal enrichment. It was customary at the time to wage wars and plunder other nations. People did make slaves of others irrespective of their race or skin color. Countries enslaved neighboring countries and all these were based on human competitiveness and not race. Those who spent more time developing a stronger army and better weapons overcame those who spent their time just cultivating crops. With superior war weapons, history was bound to be on your side. Today, other countries do not want to be under the whims and caprices of other nations just because some other nation is in possession of powerful arms. So, countries now indulge in an arms race whenever they feel threatened. These are all past lessons in action.

Munyah: That was an erudite description although it contradicts your earlier statement that racial discrimination sprung from slavery. It also leaves unaddressed the well founded ideology that in the midst of all these wars, lay cases where people considered themselves superior to others only because of the barrel of their guns. The bigger the barrel of your gun to pillage others, the more superior you were and that superiority embraced whatever definition the parties involved could impose.

So, those who became greedy and wanted more wealth for themselves easily aligned themselves together based on some shared trait.

Kimbeng: I would like to address this differently. This seems more like a rambling listing of opinions which can not all be ruled as inaccurate. Do they address the very fundamental question of the attributes of racial bias? I think not.

Munyah: True, I think the opinion you have raised, although valid when looking at slavery in general might lack substantive evidence on racial discrimination in particular. There is evidence of racial bias and even significant and bizarre cultural discrimination in all continents. Because of mankind’s poorly socially evolving state of mind, he sometimes sees the benefits of a more racially and culturally inclusive society, but fails to jump to the occasion to seize and enrich his wellbeing with these vast and untapped human resources.

Kimbeng: Culture sounds like another concept different from the one we are addressing. If you extrapolate this to cultural evolution, then you are saying that there is discrimination on everything. In fact, you have men discriminating against women, girls discriminating against boys, and the list is endless.

Munyah: You are right Kimbeng, but the point I am trying to make is whether discrimination based on race or gender is an indication of man’s primitive way of life. Have these tendencies evolved over the years? Have there been significant changes and if they have what are they. Before, women were considered subordinates in some parts of the world, and are still considered subordinates in several domains. Other forms of dissipating discrimination still exist, but the unassailable fact is that these are all changing slowly. This change is what I call social evolution.

Kimbeng: Could you make the point in a way that lacks emotional appeal? All these links to slavery and female subordination at a time of strong advocacy for human rights and freedom, stokes more emotional appeal than it offers a rational perspective on racial discrimination.

Munyah: I do not take that as an attempt to evade scrutiny on the hot issue of racial discrimination.

Kimbeng: Well, I just want a more rational perspective and not an emotional appeal.

Munyah: Isn’t it true that objects do not discriminate against one another on the basis of color, shape or anything else?

Kimbeng: That is because they are inanimate things.

Munyah: Yes, it is because they are inanimate. Isn’t it true also that animate things like puppies do not discriminate against one another on the basis of color? A brown puppy does not discriminate against grey or black or white puppies because of their colors. Isn’t it also true that the only moment of discrimination is when the puppies are newly introduced to one another? After some days of acquaintance these puppies become friends.

Kimbeng: Puppies are animate, but they are not rational beings. They do not have the complex thinking ability humans possess. So, we can’t possibly be attributing inanimate and irrational things to humans.

Munyah: Then, isn’t it funny that even inanimate things do not discriminate based on color or anything else? Isn’t it funny that even animate, but irrational things do not discriminate based on these too? What is absurd is that humans considered animate and rational discriminate based on characteristics irrational beings would not discriminate on. It sounds more like reverse evolution where the characteristic we may very much want is possessed by irrational beings and even inanimate objects. These lovely characteristic have largely evaded mankind. Truly then, racial discrimination or precisely color discrimination is an indication that the human being having evolved scientifically and industrially still remains largely primitive socially.

Kimbeng: That is a convincing thought Munyah. Mankind may have to reconsider the assumption that man exemplifies rationality at its best in every domain. In the light of such pervasive ignorance, even Darwin would have loved to look back to find out if some desirable traits (and which ones) failed to make their way into the human society during the course of evolution. And it is probably no surprise that every new generation views some acts of the previous generation as primitive. Being primitive though socially unacceptable is and has always been an inevitable human trait.

http://www.dream-services.com/

I’m striking a blow for closing the gender gap. No, I’m not campaigning for equal pay for equal work, or not having women’s careers suffer because it falls to our gender to push the next generation into the world after it masses at our pelvises for 9 months, or even for research into treatment for post-menopausal libido and getting tight-fisted insurance companies to actually pay for it the way they throw money at erectile dysfunction. Nope. I wish I could be so lofty-minded and reach so far, but I am carrying on my crusade in a different way.

For years I’ve been told that men objectify women simply because men are more visually-oriented. “Men can’t help their inability to look past your breasts, butt, legs, eyes, or lips—it is in their biology. They are just more visually-oriented.” And, I’ve also heard it said that looks aren’t as important to women as they are to men. Men look for women who are arm-candy and women look for men with “personality” and “stability”.

And this is where I make my stand. If guys are going to look at me and evaluate me based on my looks before they ever get to know me, then I say turnabout is fair play. Let’s see just how far personality gets you, jackass.

I’m not suggesting that I’m going to start evaluating every guy I meet based on looks. Not at all. I’m saying I already do that. And if that sounds shallow to you men out there, consider what you look at when you first meet a woman. Is it her character? Is it her sparkling wit? Or is it whether the junk in her trunk offsets the allure of her blouse bunnies?

I tweeze, tone, exfoliate, watch what I eat, aerobicize, groom, choose to wear clothes that fit, close my mouth when I chew my food, and only eat spinach in public with extreme caution. But, culturally-speaking, I’m supposed to get excited about a guy who has made no effort with his health or appearance or manners solely because he’s single and, according to his doting mother, has a great personality? That hardly seems fair. Especially since he’s looking at my breasts trying to figure out exactly what percentage is me and what percentage is gel bra, all while I’m supposed to be admiring his inner beauty.

Yep, men you are on notice. For me, it just isn’t good enough for you to maintain a steady diet of junk-food and pair it with no exercise and rumpled clothes from the bottom of your closet that you’ve owned since college. You aren’t 17 anymore, your mother shouldn’t still be choosing your underwear for you. It isn’t the mid-90s anymore so unless you are a lumberjack there is no reason to wear over-sized, raggedy flannel shirts. Unless you are McSteamy, Santa, Freud, ZZ Top, or Wolverine, forget the facial hair. I don’t care if Justin Timberlake is wearing a beard, on you it isn’t bringing sexy back, its bringing back Neanderthal man. And, unless you are actually on a basketball court, there is no good reason to wear those awful polyester basketball shorts.

Despite the myth of conventional wisdom, women are into looks. We’re not solely into looks, but we are into them. After all, they don’t put fat guys with lots of back hair on the cover of romance novels. Here’s the difference in how we approach and value attractiveness: men look at women as if we are already furnished, designer decorated houses, but women look at men more like fixer-upper homes, the kind that need a lot of work. Guys look at their brides (who starved themselves for a couple months to fit in that stupid dress) as if they’ll always look that way. Brides look at their grooms and think, “Well, it’s a start. But what is going on with his hair?”

Women are not involved with a guy for too long before we start the improvement process. And it is a process. At restaurants we’ll get you to try our salads. In stores we will see something better than anything in your closet and work our flattery to get you to try it on. When people move in together the socks, underwear, and t-shirts with holes in them start to mysteriously disappear—maybe it was a “laundry mishap”, maybe it was leprechauns, who knows. Without you even having to think about it or make an effort you have healthier cereal in the cupboard and dentist and doctor appointments scheduled for you. We remind you to get haircuts. We tell you when you have spinach in your teeth. We tell you not to wear the wrinkled shirt or that really ugly tie. We go to the gym with you. We gently suggest that you abandon the comb-over because it isn’t fooling anyone.

This is why we get so pissed off when you tell us something makes us look fat. Who wants to take fashion advice from the guy who thinks his dumpy, worn out corduroy shorts are still dope?

I have heard my male friends go on and on about the acceptable amount of cellulite on a woman’s body, the proper length of hair and shade of highlights, and adequate skin care regimens. They have opinions on everything from the kinds of heels we should wear to attract them, to the great importance of a well-maintained landing strip. These dear, dear men of my acquaintance think nothing of women devoting all this time and energy to make themselves attractive to men. And yet, I haven’t heard any of these paragons talk about improving themselves so women will be interested in them. So, in the interest of equality and full-disclosure, here are a couple of my must haves for the male species.
•    Trim your nose hair. If it looks like you have a cheap toupee bunched in each nostril, or even if it looks like a couple spider legs creeping out of your nose, it is time to trim. Use scissors, a trimmer, a weed whacker, garden shears, I don’t care. Just trim it. I find that even the guys who seem to care about their appearances are prone to overlooking this one. How am I supposed to carry on a conversation with you when I’m watching something from your nose reach out to tickle your lip?
•    Health—more than a class you slept through in high school. Sedentary lifestyles and poor diets contribute to obesity and it’s myriad health problems. You don’t have to be an Iron Man competitor or a nutritionist, but it is nice to know a guy gets some exercise on a regular basis and has a basic understanding that what he eats affects his health. I don’t want to wonder if he is actively attempting to get type II diabetes, or have to check to make sure he has his heart medication and portable defibrillator when we go out.
•    Fit isn’t just for condoms. How in or out of style your clothes are isn’t as important as whether or not your clothes fit. That said, it helps if your clothing looks like it belongs in the current decade and is age- and activity-appropriate. If you have gained weight, lost weight, had a growth spurt, or just had a bad experience doing laundry, it is probably time to go shopping. Tugging buttons on a shirt or your pants make you look fatter than you are. Things that are too big and sloppy make you look like a hobo. If your belly sticks out from under your shirt…you really need help.
•    Hygiene, it’s not just for women. We’re not talking about manscaping, back-waxing, or eye-brow tweezing, nope we’re talking about regular showers, deodorant use, tooth brushing and flossing. Am I stating the bleeding obvious? Yes. But I say it anyway because I find plenty of guys neglecting it and that just amazes me. If you feel like doing the rest of that stuff, that’s fine, but make sure you take care of the basics. I don’t care how good your eye-brows look if you smell like you’ve been cleaning a pig-sty during a heat-wave in August. And, I don’t care how dandy your conversational skills are if your breath smells like road kill.
•    Manners. Good manners show respect to those around you. When a guy chews with his mouth open, holds his fork like a bike handle, takes calls from other people while we are out together, ignores the living, breathing person in front of him in favor of texting, or is rude to my friends. We don’t have a future.

Well, there it is, my bare minimum. This is not to say that any guy who trims his nose hair, eats well, exercises, dresses with some degree of skill, doesn’t stink, and chews with his mouth closed automatically gets a second look, but it certainly increases his chances.

When a person is writing a work of fiction there’s pressure to make sure the characters are “believable,” that they sound true to life so readers aren’t jarred out of their happy cocoon thinking, “Nobody really acts like that.” But real life doesn’t have that constraint. Weird stuff happens and there isn’t always a good explanation for it. People think things that don’t have to make sense, they just are. You can think you know what you’re getting in a person and, unlike a good novel that gives you hints and foreshadowing, you can get surprised. Today, in the final installment of this series, we take another look at why we do the stuff we do, our characters–looking for the foreshadowing in real life.

Refresh Yourself–Part 7:

Character Studies, or

The Beginning is the End is the Beginning

(Yes, I completely ripped that line off from Billy Corgun. He worked with Courtney Love so he must be used to getting ripped off.)

If it seems like this seven-part diatribe is ever so slightly heavy on the importance of both discerning character and showing it rather than how many hours or days to wait before texting or calling after getting someone’s number, well, it is. There is a simple reason for this chronic refrain, CHARACTER MATTERS.

Comedian Ron White said, “You can’t fix stupid.” And he’s completely right. Stupid is pretty damn permanent. But, I’d like to add that you also can’t fix a lack of character. Character is either there or it isn’t.

By the time we’re grown up and let loose on the unsuspecting dating world, our characters are pretty much set—for better or worse. When life strips away our youth, looks, success, fortune, health, complaisance, badass persona, and all the other crap we spend our lives focusing on, all that remains is our character. If you don’t consider character to begin with, only the attractive frame and bundle of mutual interests or suitable pedigree blinking before you and your strong desire not to be single, then you deserve the box of chocolates you’re linked to—because you never know what you’re gonna get.*

Why, oh, why am I harping on this? I harp because character affects everything we do. Character development says it’s wrong to lie and to cheat, both issues fairly important in relationships. It also indicates what’s ultimately important to us, our core values, which will influence how we spend our money** and how we raise our children. You don’t have to look at too many divorced couples to know how unhappy mismatched values can make people.

But, despite the massive impact character will have on our relationships it is generally not a consideration when people start dating. First, we give people the once over and decide whether or not they satisfy our criteria for what we consider attractive. Next, we discern whether they find us attractive too. If all goes well, we spend time together discovering our mutual interests. Based on how that goes we either become a couple or go our separate ways. Couplehood can then lead to cohabitation and/or marriage. But when do we ask ourselves if this person is a good person?

And that is not always easy to see because people do the right things for a variety of reasons, not all of them very good. But reasons, and not only the end result, also matter. For example, just because someone is volunteering or singing in church doesn’t make them a good person. Volunteer work might give them an edge in getting accepted to a particular school or program. Singing in church could be because they like sound of their own voice and grandstanding in front of a captive audience. Maybe they don’t give a crap about any of it but simply can’t say no when asked to do something. Maybe they just do what is expected like an actor on a stage, quietly resenting it. Different motivations cast the exact same behavior into vastly different lights. When we care for someone we are more apt to see that person’s behavior in a favorable light regardless of the truth.

Culturally, we worship at the shrine of attraction, ranking character way the hell below chemistry and only slightly above our respective tolerance for webbed feet or outie bellybuttons. Maybe we figure that if the other person finds us attractive and interesting they must be a good person, after all, they like us. So, is chemistry important? Absolutely. We want to find out more about people we find attractive, interesting, and compelling. Hopefully, that fascination will lead us to a deeper understanding of the other person and what makes them tick. Ideally, we’ll find out something about what their core values are before we put our hearts on the line.

But it isn’t just our hearts we’re putting on the line. I was thinking about this the other day and it seemed as if it all comes down to this question:  Does this person have my back? Or, even better, Is this someone I can trust with my power of attorney if I’m incapacitated? Because that is what you really need to know—when you are at your most vulnerable, will this person who has captivated you and revved up your libido have your best interests at heart. Sexy? Romantic? Not so much. But pretty damn important if you’re in a coma or under general anesthesia.

Life can be a funny thing, amazingly beautiful one moment and then one mofo of a nightmare the next. God forbid this ever happens to you, but a car accident, a cancer diagnosis, a child with autism, a military deployment, a lay-off, and everything changes. Here’s hoping, that this person who seems to adore you so much when everything is a dream come true will hold your hand and help you if it becomes a nightmare. In the end, that is a tad more important than how many days to wait before contacting someone after you score digits.

*Yes, I know, I ripped off/borrowed that line from Forrest Gump. It is a borrowing kind of day.

**Considering that money is the #1 thing that couples fight about, this should not be treated lightly. When you’re dating it might seem cute that she’s racking up debt to look gorgeous for you, but that charm wears thin when she’s burning through your savings for Versace’s spring collection and you can’t make your mortgage payment.

And, there it is. The thing we generally think of last is the thing that we should think of first, but we probably won’t. As always, thanks for reading. Tune in again next Monday for a look at my irritation at the gender gap.

Welcome to yet another Monday installment. Today we look into love. I think, after having tried it the other way too many times, that Machiavelli may be on to something–it may be better to be feared than to be loved. People who love you are capable of crossing you up, people who are afraid of you know better than to try to. However, fear isn’t nearly as attractive an emotion to elicit in another person.

Refresh Yourself–Part 6:

Everyone Says I Love You

In the words of Tina Turner, “What’s love got to do with it?” Love, such a strong feeling, and so creepy. It isn’t just a many splendored thing, it is a confusing, painful, misleading thing too. By the time we’re nearing 30 we probably should have learned that love is a scary proposition. Love makes us vulnerable and strong, it gives us expectations and excuses, it intoxicates us with joy and hurts so much we can scarcely draw breath, it sends our paradoxical natures into overdrive. We seem to do our best and our worst for those we love. But despite being such a strong driving force in our lives, love has been subject to all sorts of myths, misconceptions, and unreasonable expectations.

Myth 1:  Falling in love means you are meant to be together. Hell no. It is possible to fall deeply, passionately in love with a complete loser you shouldn’t give the time of day to or take candy from—thus the need to be careful who you date. If you date morons, jerks, and sluts, it increases your chances of falling in love with a moron, a jerk, or a slut. Sadly, it also increases your chances of marrying morons, jerks, and sluts. In the course of somewhere around three decades of life the average person has probably fallen in love at least once. If they are back in the dating pool after this magical experience then it is probably safe to say that love did not spell out destiny in the stars. I’m not saying love can’t great, but it is wise to keep in mind what it is and what it isn’t. Being in love means that you have amorous feelings for the other person and that’s about it. You loving them doesn’t have anything to do with whether or not the person you love is a good person, or if they love you back, or if they will treat you with even a modicum of respect. The realization that you are in love is simply a clarification of your feelings toward the other person—that’s it.

Myth 2:  If a person tells you they love you they must mean it. Women are probably more acquainted with this concept than men because straight boys will say anything to get into a woman’s pants and they learn early on that “I love you” is right up there with “open sesame”. This word of wisdom is for guys who are more familiar with using this tactic than having it used on them. It is a sad truth, but a truth nonetheless that people are capable of saying pretty much anything to get what they want. For example, think of just about every job listing out there—regardless of the position they’re all looking for “self-starters” who work well “independently” but are also great “team players” devoted to helping achieve “personal and company goals” at a “high level” all while maintaining the “highest ethical standards” and can solve third-world debt, but how many of the people who get hired are really all of those things? Perhaps a few paragons are, but the rest of the workforce told the interviewers what they wanted to hear. Dating is nothing so much as an agonizingly prolonged job interview for the position of spouse/life partner. If we are capable of lying through our teeth to rise to the top of middle-management, what are we capable of doing for even the possibility of love and acceptance? Shoot, forget forever, what are we capable of simply to get a date to our reunion? So again, this is another example of needing to be careful with your feelings because people lie.

Myth 3: Falling in love is always about the person. In the course of a day how many times do you think you hear, see, or use the word love? How many times does that actually refer to a person? We are forever falling in love, just not always with people. We might tell a person we love them, when what we really love is that they find us attractive. Some people love that you are not their insensitive ex and that they get to be the bastard for a change. Other people are just in love with the idea of being in love and the person they love could be anyone with a pulse. Gold-diggers can fall madly in love with a person’s bank balance and credit rating. A woman with a biological clock ticking like a bomb can love that a guy represents her chance to start a family before menopause. With all this love flying around it is a good idea to examine what you really love because the other person deserves to be loved for their own sake just as much as you do.

Myth 4: It’s only words. What we say used to mean something, at least that’s what the Frank Capra movies make it look like. People used to say their word was their bond but now we say one thing one moment and something else the next, as if our short attention spans give us the right to be contradictory twits. Yet for as disposable as words have become, there is a strange disconnect with “I love you” that makes it the Bermuda Triangle of sentiment. It is this wonky double standard where we can say “I love you” and think that it shouldn’t mean too much, but heaven help us if someone tells us that they love us because that, my friend, has to be written in stone. Or sometimes, it is the reverse, where the person saying “I love you” really, really means it and is ready to pick out china patterns, but the person hearing it is either so used to hearing it or so skeptical that they don’t invest it with the same importance. Personally, I think the saying should be, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will leave me sobbing in the fetal position on a shrink’s couch.” Too long? While there is no way to guarantee that the person telling you they love you means it, you can set a precedent for yourself and use that phrase only when you mean it.

Myth 5: You can make someone love you. No matter what you do, no matter how perfect you are, no matter how long you are together, no matter how much you love a person, you just can’t make someone love you. If you think this is stating the obvious too much, then watch The Bachelor or The Bachelorette. Thinking you can earn someone’s love or persuade them to see things your way if you work hard enough, is a recipe for insanity. Not only can we not make people love us, we also can’t make them love us the way we want to be loved. We can do all sort of things to persuade someone that we love them and that we are worthy of their love, but in the end they will feel the way they are going to feel and there is nothing we can do about it. Free will can be a real bitch.

As always, thanks for reading. And in parting, I put it to you, when should a person not say “I love you”? I’m just curious what the consensus is. Oh, and for today’s musical selection we have “Caring is Creepy” by The Shins. Next Monday is the series conclusion, a reflection on character.

Happy freakin’ Monday. What better day of the week to talk about break-ups? I’m not sure exactly when it happened, but it seems as if all at once it was no longer okay to indulge in bad feelings toward an ex after a break-up. Oh, no, we had to all be friends, anger was passe. Well, I would like to bring back some anger and good, old-fashioned anti-social behavior. Justin Timberlake tried to bring back sexy, I’m bringing back angry. If I call it vintage, maybe it will catch on.

Refresh Yourself–Part 5:

You Go Your Way and I’ll Go Mine

Don’t expect to be friends after a break-up. This might feel wrong when everybody is grown-up and dedicated to feigning maturity, but it isn’t. If you liked each other well enough to start dating, then there is a good chance that one or both of you has some strong feelings invested in the relationship—feelings likely to get hurt when the relationship ends. And, when feelings get hurt the potential for things to get messy goes up exponentially.

In this age of rampant fakeness there is an almost overwhelming push be friends with one’s exes. But why? Do you really care so much about the person you dumped that you want to maintain a friendship? Are you really okie-dokie fine just being pals with the person who broke up with you? Sometimes it seems as if we have become so afraid of having to take a course of action that has adverse consequences that we chose a placating middle-ground, a faux friendship that satisfies no one.

Look, I’m not saying it is impossible to be friends after a break-up, I’m simply saying that you shouldn’t automatically expect that you and your ex will be friends after you split. See, generally, the person doing the breaking up isn’t as interested in being BFFs as they are interested in not having someone alive in the world wishing that they would be attacked by a komodo dragon with a bad spleen. And, generally, the person being kicked to the curb isn’t as interested in being chums as they are in pretending they are unaffected by this latest rejection, or looking for a way to desperately hang onto even a piece of someone who does not want them.

Whatever your reasons for wanting to stay friends, it is probably best to keep your expectations low. At best, going from being a couple to platonic acquaintances represents a period of readjustment. At worst, it lands you on the evening news as a murder/suicide like the late Phil Hartman and his wife. More frequently, we navigate tricky grounds somewhere between these extremes.

If you instigate the break-up and want to stay friends, you have to realize that the other person may not want to be friends or may not be able be friends—now or ever. And you have to accept that. Much as you may think it would be great for everyone to get along as if your whole dating episode together didn’t fizzle out and necessitate a conclusion, the other person may need time, therapy, and several episodes of Oprah to come to the same conclusion. Hard as that may be on you, breaking up means that the other person has regained their autonomy and you no longer have a claim on them or their friendship, just as then no longer have a claim on you.

If you are the one being dumped, then it is time for another bout of brutal honesty, first with yourself and then with your soon-to-be-ex. Honestly assess whether you really can be friends and then, just as honestly, share that with the person who broke your heart or bruised your ego—whatever is more painful for you. Being mature doesn’t mean you have to pretend you are okay watching someone you love date someone else, it means you have the right and responsibility to remove yourself from a situation that will only hurt you.

Thanks for reading and please join us next Monday when we will explore some of the scariest damn words in the English language, “I love you.” Makes me shiver just to type that...